Halloween Candy Will Be In Stores Even Earlier This Year, And If This Bothers You, You’re Dumb

by 1 month ago
halloween candy early 2020

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Phil Stanley, Hershey’s global chief sales officer, told CNN Business that “more stores have launched their Halloween displays two to four weeks earlier than their typical late-August/early-September debut in an attempt to extend the Halloween shopping season.”



If you’re going to complain about Halloween candy being on shelves early, you’re a moron.

Halloween candy is always on the shelves, it’s just not wrapped into spookily themed casing adorn with scary ghosts, goblins, and witches who looking remarkably similar to your mother-in-law.

I can walk into a store and buy every candy handed out on Halloween and eat it while riding a Peloton, mask around my chin, listening to Ben Shapiro read the comments on Pornhub during any month of the year.

Not to mention the fact that Halloween candy never really went away.

“The packages popular during Halloween — the multi-pack bags with individually wrapped ‘fun size’ candies — have sold well during the pandemic pantry-stocking,” Christopher Gindlesperger, senior vice president of public affairs and communications for the National Confectioners Association told CNN.

Because everyone knows 42 snack-sized Snickers is much better for you than one big Snickers bar. Unwrapping the tiny ones burns more calories, not to mention the extra steps logged into your FitBit when you throw them in the outside garbage can so your spouse doesn’t realize you’re such a disgusting glutton.

I’m all-in on Halloween candy and decorations being available in stores all year long. I think big box stores like Target and Walmart need sections for every holiday. I bet more people will browse Christmas lights in April than wander into the Target auto department. Who the fuck goes to Target for automotive needs?

“One of the earliest retail movers has been Safeway owner Albertsons,” Murphy told CNN. “Late last week, a towering candy display — featuring pictures of the M&M’s candy mascots in Halloween costumes as well as boxes filled with large bags of Mars Wrigley and Hershey candies — was seen along the front aisle of a Bay Area Safeway store.”

Don’t be mad. Don’t be mad in September if you run into the store for the face cream (that’s obviously not working) and you bump into a Santa Claus. Don’t be mad when Valentine’s Day cards dominate the greeting card section in November. Keep calm when July 4th firework displays are in the same aisle as Easter baskets.

CVS and Safeway setting up Hershey bars by the front entrance doesn’t ruin the holidays. You know what ruins the holidays? Viruses.

Get mad that people are still hosting parties where people TRY to get Covid-19, school kids are packed into hallways tighter than Jerry Jones’s forehead, and that cops are putting handcuffs on 8-year-olds.

Focus your energy on the important stuff, and if you’re too low on strength and stamina to do so, eat a few of these Cadbury eggs I just bought at Walgreen’s.

[via CNN]


Chris Illuminati is a 5-time published author and recovering a**hole who writes about running, parenting, and professional wrestling.

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