The Hottest New Wrinkle Treatment In The Celebrity Streets Is Covering Your Face In Semen, Naturally
Do you want to achieve a YOUTHFUL GLOW LIKE THE STARS?
Please sit on this couch and sign this non-disclosure form.
Excuse me while I play K-Ci and JoJo ‘All My Life’ softly in the background.
You want to look like A STAR don’t you, you average peasant!
You know what, let’s expedite this process. Can you pull up that True Detective GIF on your phone?
No, the unedited one. Actualy screw it, we’ll do it live!
OK OK OK. Here it comes! You’re going to be StAaAaAaAaaAAr!
So just massage this into your pores 1-3 times per day and you’ll look like Reese Witherspoon before you can say ‘Grab me a tissue.’
This is how I envision the growing trend of using sperm aka baby batter aka penis colada to reduce wrinkles.
The process is advocated by celebrity facialist (totally a thing) Chelsee Lewis, who lists Stella McCartney, Gwyneth Paltrow, Suki Waterhouse and Erin O’Connor as her A-list clientele.
Speaking with Daily Mail, Lewis described her best kept secret:
Using your partner’s sperm as a mask is full of a compound called spermine, which is an antioxidant which can help reduce wrinkles, smooth the skin, prevent acne or spots and give you overall healthy-looking skin.
As my mother used to say, ‘It pays to be beautiful.’ Oh God, I hope the price of admission wasn’t my potential brother. Yikes.
So there you have it, ladies and gents. Semen kills wrinkles.
And if that’s a bit too extra for you, try Kate Beckinsale’s ‘penis facial,’ a $650 experience that involves a peel and microneedling, followed by a proprietary penis-infused serum derived from “Korean baby foreskins.”
Or you could just not try either and keep your dignity.