4 Warren G. Harding
Stepbrother of Dr. Dre and longtime friend of Snoop Dogg, Warren G. Harding was also the 29th President of the United States. Before he got to office, Warren G was also known to regulate on the streets of Los Angeles with the man who would be his Vice President, his friend Nate Dogg. In fact, here’s an account of one of Warren G. Harding’s experiences before he landed in the White House, taken from a journal written in 1903:
“It was a clear black night with a clear white moon and I, Warren G. Harding, was on the streets trying to consume some skirts for the eve, so I can get some funk, just rollin’ in my ride, chillin’ all alone. So I hooks a left on the 21 and Lewis, some brothas shootin’ dice so I said ‘Let’s do this.’ I jumped out the ride, and said ‘What’s up?’ Some brothas pulled some gats so I said ‘I’m stuck.’ I’m gettin’ jacked, I’m breakin’ myself, I can’t believe they takin’ Warren’s wealth. They took my rings, they took my rolex. I looked at the brotha and said ‘Damn, what’s next?’ They got guns to my head, I think I’m going down, I can’t believe this happenin’ in my own town. If I had wings I could fly, let me contemplate, I glanced in the cut and I see my homey Nate. Sixteen in the clip and one in the hole, Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold. Now they droppin’ and yellin’ it’s a tad bit late, Nate Dogg and Warren G. Harding had to regulate.”
The account then goes on to describe how after blasting some fools, Warren G. Harding and Nate take a bunch of girls back to the Eastside Motel to get freaky.
That’s some gangsta shit right there, is it not? Sure, history would judge Warren G. Harding’s presidency as one of the worst and most scandal filled of all time but that’s just because people are racist. The facts though are simple: Warren G. Harding and his Vice President, Nate Dogg, were certified badasses. Don’t let anybody tell you different.
3 Abraham Lincoln
Abe Lincoln has a reputation for being a solemn statesman, a gangly looking man best suited to deliver speeches. But let’s not forget that Lincoln was a big dude, like he probably could have played in the NBA big. And before he got wrapped up in all that politics nonsense, he was a professional wrestler. Yes, that’s right, Abraham Lincoln was the Stone Cold Steve Austin of his day, drinkin’ beers, whoopin’ ass and raisin’ hell all over the place. In fact, he won several debates by giving Stephen Douglas a Stone Cold Stunner and then giving him the middle finger. The popular phrase “Lincoln 3:16” was seen on countless signs in the audience of several key Civil War battles, including the Battle of Gettysburg, which turned the tide in the feud between Stone Cold Lincoln and Jefferson Davis and his corporate stooges. And if that wasn’t enough, recent evidence has been uncovered indicating that the man was a renowned vampire hunter in his day. Screw Batman, I want Abe Lincoln protecting my town.
2 Andrew Jackson
There was no harder dude in the history of the American Presidency than Andrew Jackson. The man was a no-nonsense redneck who preferred to settle his disputes with pistols at dawn rather than with words. Sure, some would call that irresponsible today but they’d be singing a different song after Andrew Jackson got done pistol whipping them. Before he was President, Jackson was a goddamn living nightmare, terrorizing Indian tribes and earning a reputation as an ass-kicking monster, riding with blood-stained hands throughout the Southeast, burning and killing his way to victory. Today, the dude would be tried as a war criminal but back then shit like that was enough to get you elected President. I don’t even have to make any ridiculous jokes here. Andrew Jackson would have snapped your spine and then sawed off your scalp while you lay there watching, wide-eyed and terrified. Hell, they should just dye the five dollar bill blood red and change the picture to Andrew Jackson swinging a hatchet.
1 George Washington
Not only was George Washington the father of our country, he was the father of badasses. If you don’t believe me, just watch this living piece of history put together by the great Brad Neely:
Indeed. And that’s why he’s number one on this list.