Blazed Movie Reviews: ‘The Avengers’

by 7 years ago

Marvel


I have kids so I can’t smoke weed at home anymore. So I do it at the movies.

Let’s be honest with each other: The Avengers is just about the perfect movie to see high. There are two kinds of comic book movies: the ones that try to pretend that comic books are Serious Artistic Business and should be all realistic like The Dark Knight, which are cool but not very fun to see high. Looking at a dude with half his face melted off can really put you in a bad place. And then there’s the other kind where it’s all colorful dudes in their underwear hitting each other so hard. Avengers is the second kind.

There’s basically two parts to this movie: the first part, where all the Avengers fight each other, and the second part where they team up to fight Loki and his alien minions. This is basically the same structure of all 150 issues of Marvel Team-Up (1972-1985). And it’s cool. The Hulk is the coolest part, though, because his whole deal is fighting other guys. Both of the Hulk movies were pretty bad, especially the Ang Lee one where he fought his dad who was also a tornado or something, so it’s fair to say that The Avengers is the best Hulk movie ever made.

Captain America is also way better in this movie than he was in his own movie, just because he actually has other personalities to play off of. Hawkeye is sort of a non-entity but that’s not a big deal because he kind of sucks. Anybody can shoot an arrow. Iron Man is awesome but I’m sick of him learning about how to be responsible. Scarly Jo is hot and she bonks a dude… on the head. That one guy dies. Thor is also way better than he was in his own movie but that movie also stunk a bit.

The biggest problem I have with this whole mess is that the plot macguffin superpowerful energy source thing is obviously the Cosmic Cube but for some dumb reason they call it the “Tesseract.” Dudes, the Cosmic Cube is an awesome thing and calling it by the dumb name of the thing from A Wrinkle In Time is a punk move. Jack Kirby was the ultimate stoner cartoonist, knocking out crazy ideas every month like it was nothing. They need to just go nuts with his crap, like Devil Dinosaur and the Eternals and that weird Nazi guy with a giant face on his stomach. That’s the kind of superhero movie I want to see. Especially high.

Disclaimer: I fixed all the typos but left in any other stupid stuff.


TAGSavengersAvengers charactersAvengers movieAvengers trailerblazed movie reviewsCaptain AmericacelebsChris EvansChris HemsworthDrugsIron ManJeremy RennerLokiMark RuffaloMarvel AvengersNick FuryRobert Downey JrSamuel L. JacksonScarlett JohanssonThorTom Hiddleston