There are few things worse for a movie fan than sitting down to enjoy a flick only to have it be torpedoed by some obnoxious jackass of a character. Sometimes, tragically, they ruin movies that could have been great. Sometimes, they are just the worst part about an already flawed film. A few of them only taint the scenes in which they appear, while others are so prominent that they manage to ruin the whole damn thing. We here at Guyism have decided to take a look at the worst of the worst, and after much careful consideration, a lot of tears, occasional vomiting and even some mild bloodshed, we bring to you these nine characters who have ruined movies.
Photo credit: YouTube/Paramount Pictures
9 Mutt Williams – Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
PLAYED BY: SHIA LABEOUF
It would seem that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg’s grand plan to offset the old man stink of the venerable Harrison Ford in the latest Indiana Jones flick was to introduce a younger version of our hero in the form of a laughably stereotypical greaser named Mutt Williams complete with motorcycle and switchblade. To make matters worse, they actually scripted Mutt to be a pain in the ass “rebel” who verbally crapped on Indy. Look, there are some things you just don’t do and sass Dr. Jones is one of them. It was clear that they were attempting a sort of passing of the torch between Indy and Mutt, but all it did was highlight that there is only one Indiana Jones and he’s an old man with an obnoxious bastard son. Just depressing.
8 Carrie Bradshaw – Sex and the City
PLAYED BY: SARAH JESSICA PARKER
After several seasons as a hit show on HBO, Sex and the City was taken to the big screen where for the first time the world was exposed to a giant sized version of the most annoying woman in the world, Carrie Bradshaw, who managed to reinforce all of the worst stereotypes about modern women (I need a man, OMG shoes!) They should have included having to listen to her yammer on like some sort hyper-neurotic desperate She-Bot -– call it the Insecurobot 9000 -– as a war crime and everyone involved should have been tried in international court. No man –- or woman -– should have to sit through that. It is telling that the big romantic gesture in the film is the building of a walk in closet for the heroine by Mr. Big, who probably would have been better off spending the money on doing heroin in a closet. At least the needle wouldn’t make him listen to shallow gibberish about Manolo Blahniks for hours.
7 The Ewoks – Return of the Jedi
PLAYED BY: AN ASSORTMENT OF MIDGETS IN FURRY SUITS
George Lucas has a long, sordid history of creating weird characters — puppet gurus, robots who behave like a gay, married version of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, giant Bigfoot looking freaks, etc. –- but one of his weirdest decisions was to create the Ewoks, a band of lovable little furry midgets whose sole role seemed to be to sell lunchboxes and coloring books to impressionable kids. That’s all fine, but what rankled a lot of fans of the Star Wars series was Lucas’ decision to give the Ewoks such a pivotal role in the climactic battle of the whole series. There was just something too absurd about the sight of freaky little teddy bears beating the hell out of the fearsome Empire’s notorious storm troopers using only rocks and a few strategically placed logs. Besides, those little dudes were creepy as hell. Sure, it might seem fun as a kid to imagine your stuffed animals coming to life, but if that happened in real life, you would have cried for your mommy and then sat in the corner sucking your thumb while she either set them all on fire or called in a priest to perform an exorcism.
6 Edward Cullen/Bella Swan – Twilight
PLAYED BY: ROBERT PATTINSON AND KRISTEN STEWART
Once upon a time, vampires were actually pretty cool. I know that’s hard to believe given the influx of glittery emo drama queens more likely to sob into their diaries than to make with the people-eating, but it’s true. Sadly, we have the character of Edward Cullen to thank for this change. But it’s not just him. Oh no. Thanks to his clingy, obsessed, charisma challenged human lover, Bella, a whole generation of girls has grown up believing that there is something romantic and healthy about a pair of codependent depressed bores. Perhaps I’m being unfair. After all, they have a love built on… uh… well, you tell me. After all, what’s not to love about pale, mopey misery addicts who look like they’re perpetually stoned? By the way, that description could be applied to both Edward and Bella. Oh well, at least they aren’t George Lucas characters. Otherwise they’d probably both be made out of fur and CGI and talk with some sort of vague Jamaican accent. So I guess they’ve got that going for them.
5 Mr. Freeze – Batman and Robin
PLAYED BY: ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
I probably could have included anything from this movie in this spot, including the nipples on the Batsuit, but the most cringe inducing aspect of the movie had to be Arnold Schwarzenegger’s turn as Mr. Freeze, which was so laughably campy that it helped to torpedo the whole franchise, which had to be shelved before it was resurrected and rebooted by Christopher Nolan almost a decade later. It wasn’t just the ridiculous puns (Everybody chill!) or Arnold mushmouthing his way through a role as a scientist turned lunatic or the fact that he looked like Mr. Clean if Mr. Clean had been assimilated by the Borg. It was all of those things which combined to create one memorably awful character. There is camp and then there is crap. Arnold and the non-visionaries behind Batman and Robin tried to straddle that line but ended up falling into the sewer where they washed away in a river of turds. As a result, the whole franchise ended up being put on ice. (Groan.)
4 The Genie – Aladdin
PLAYED BY: THE VOICE OF ROBIN WILLIAMS
Robin Williams’ seemingly coked up Genie didn’t exactly ruin Aladdin. In fact, it was a huge hit. But the reason why this character is on this list is because it inspired an epic run of obnoxious characters and children’s films which have transformed the world of animated movies from a land of imagination to a land of noisy fart jokes and screaming banshee characters whose very voices are enough to cause massive bleeding from the ears and severe brain degradation. We’ve all heard the cliché – fun for the kids and the adults. If that kind of crap is your idea of fun as an adult, then children should never even be in the equation for you. Now, I’m not advocating forced sterilization, but then again, I’m not not advocating it either. Whose idea was it to hold up Robin frickin’ Williams as a behavioral model for today’s kids? I mean, this is why kids all end up as screaming ADD riddled monsters with the attention span of a fruit fly. Screw you, Robin Williams and your idiot genie. Also, get off my lawn!
3 Anakin Skywalker – Star Wars Episodes I-III
PLAYED BY: JAKE LLOYD AND HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
We meet again, George Lucas. Sadly for George, the Ewoks weren’t the worst thing he inflicted on society. Instead, he decided to take Darth Vader, the ultimate badass of the universe, and turn him into a mewling, whiny little pansy. Good idea! At first, it was hoped that the whiny brat named Anakin was so unbearable simply because child actor Jake Lloyd wasn’t any damn good. But then Hayden Christensen arrived on the scene and suddenly Anakin went from brat to obnoxious little jackass incapable of showing any human emotion other than petulance. Sure, maybe that helps to explain why he eventually morphed into Darth Vader, but it’s tough to feel for a character who spends all of his time throwing hissy-fits and treating all his friends like crap, and really, wasn’t that kind of the point? We’re supposed to think of Anakin’s transition to Vader as a tragic moment, but when he finally puts on the suit and mask, all you can really think is “Finally, that little bastard is gone.”
2 Jesus – The Passion of the Christ
PLAYED BY: JIM CAVIEZEL
I don’t know about you, but I found it kind of hard to root for an action hero like Jesus when all he did was sit there and get beat on for a couple of hours. I mean, where was the big comeback? James Bond gets tortured and then he comes back and kills the bad guy, drinks a martini, bones the dude’s girl and makes a few quips. Where was the scene where Jesus showed up at Pontius Pilate’s door in a tailored suit with a Walther PPK in his hand and a lady on his arm? Instead he just hung on that cross and bled. I thought Mel Gibson understood how to make an action movie. After all, Martin Riggs wouldn’t have just taken that abuse. Murtaugh would have cut him down and then they would have run wild on the bad guys while an Eric Clapton song played in the background. I guess I just assumed that Mel would have Judas or Peter do the same for Jesus. I guess I was wrong.
1 Jar-Jar Binks – Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
PLAYED BY: A COMBINATION OF THE VOICE OF AHMED BEST, CGI AND A GENERATION’S DELICIOUS TEARS
I swear I’m not trying to pick on George Lucas, but come on, really, George? It is like the man is involved in some sort of bizarre bet to see how much ridiculous and awful crap he can get away with before the fanboys revolt. Well, this is the one that did it. It’s safe to say that The Phantom Menace was the most eagerly anticipated movie in history. When it was over, the only thing anyone could talk about was the ridiculous Jar-Jar Binks, a gangly moron with a vaguely Jamaican accent who stumbled through the film like some sort of drunken manifestation of every flaw George Lucas has as a filmmaker. It’s one thing to have a comic sidekick aimed at children. It’s another thing to create a character who even the dimmest child would want to see fed to the Sarlac. Nobody liked Jar-Jar Binks. He is the perfect storm of crappy character, combining the worst traits of the Ewoks with the obnoxious buffoonery of the Robin Williams inspired modern cartoon character. There might be worse characters created in the future, but it’s hard to imagine. And that’s why Jar-Jar Binks is the obvious and only choice for number one on this dubious list.