John Oliver’s Hatred For New Year’s Eve Is A Thing Of Fucking Beauty
New Year’s Eve sucks. For every mildly decent NYE party or celebration you’ve been to there are at least five bad ones. They only get worse with age, too.
In your twenties, you look forward to partying on NYE, but as the years amass, you learn that the holiday is the fucking worst. When you’re in your early twenties, you’re young and horny so you pay the several hundred dollar premium to be at an open bar with people you don’t know and you spend your entire night fighting to get to the bartender’s attention so you can drink enough to get your money’s worth. If you’re lucky, you find a random chick to suck face with at midnight and maybe, but probably not, fuck later on. You continue this vicious cycle for several years. Several years of the party never living up to the hype.
Then you hit your thirties and forties and fifties…and going to a crowded bar on NYE and fighting for cabs at 2am sounds about as fun as getting your asshole waxed (or so I’ve been told). What once felt like a huge cause for celebration, now feels like a burden. You still have to do something, because society and your girlfriend say so, but all you want to do is sit on the couch, eat pizza, drink beer and watch reruns of Property Brothers, because you’re fucking exhausted and you might want to renovate a home someday.
John Oliver understands the struggle. So he’s come up with a few ways for you to avoid celebrating the holiday.