Justin Bieber is Suddenly a Giant Badass

by 7 years ago

Take the strange case of pop star Justin Bieber and his recent alleged altercation with a paparazzo. The photographer claims he was assaulted by the teen dream while trying to snap pictures of the star and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez. He alleges “physical battery” and was taken to the hospital.

I smell a scam.

Bieber, for all his popularity, weighs, like, 100 pounds soaking wet. In his brilliant GQ profile, Drew Magary balked at fighting the little guy, knowing his 18-year-old bones would snap like twigs. Those high-profile boxing training sessions with Mike Tyson are nothing more than a publicity stunt, a way to move toward a more “adult” image.

I’m not the biggest dude around, or the strongest. But I can say with absolutely no equivocation that I would crush Bieber if sh*t ever went down. That’s not bragging. You would too.
So how did this picture-snapping enthusiast end up with injuries so severe they required hospital attention?

Those who witnessed the incident have conflicting stories. Some say Bieber got too physical. Others say this unnamed photographer went down easier than Tara Reid.

Look, I don’t want to defend Bieber and I don’t want to sound like a complete idiot, but I sort of respect anyone who gets handsy with the paparazzi. Sure, those leeches are just doing their jobs, but their subjects are just living their lives.

Wherever you fall on this issue of privacy vs. fair use, we can all agree that this is without a doubt the most “Bro” thing the pop star has ever done. I’ve got more respect for him based on this single human incident than anything he’s ever done musically. I may even start listening to his crappy tunes.

It would be just the best if this was step one in the complete Bieber transformation. If he became America’s No. 1 badass, we’d all love it. He’d alienate his young fan base. His 22 million Twitter followers would have a front-row seat to his suddenly Charlie Sheen-like ways. Bros would gladly embrace him as their own. Cats and dogs would get along.

Please let this happen. The world needs an angry, more litigation-prone Biebs. Here’s to hoping this is just the beginning.

TAGSFightsJustin BieberLegalOpinion