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The only thing worse than not getting any action on the dating scene is getting some, but never going all of the way.
It’s the kind of situation where, after a few cocktails and a nice dinner, you end up making out on the couch with what is conceivably the hottest female specimen to dare enter your humble and somewhat smelly abode.
As long as you play your cards right, hopefully, some variation of the words “take me to the bedroom and bone me like a redheaded stepchild you miserable bastard,” will come spewing out of her mouth and the rest will be mattress slapping history.
But just about the point where that enthusiastic pecker of yours is standing fully erect and on the verge of an epileptic fit, she pulls away and says, “I don’t do that with anyone on the first date.”
You’re left with nothing but a promise of call, her scent on your couch and a savage pain in your junk dubbed years ago as “blue balls.”
Indeed, blue balls are a real condition that is known throughout the medical community as epididymal hypertension. It is a throbbing ache in the testicles that happens when a man reaches high levels of sexual arousal without blowing his load.
Anyone who has suffered from this painful affliction understands that it sort of feels like getting kicked in the sack by an invisible, yet seemingly well-endowed mule and then dragged down a long road to desperation and depression.
As far as we can tell, blue balls are nature’s sick and twisted way of showing us boys that we only have as much control as women, the all-powerful goddesses of the planet, allow us to have.
So it goes.
It was legendary author Kurt Vonnegut who first used that phrase as a humorous reference to someone or something dying in his 1969 novel Slaughter House Five. But for the sake of this piece, which doesn’t touch on death exactly, but it sort of feels like it is teetering on it at times, we’re changing his literary sentiment to “So it swells.”
There is some controversy on precisely how epididymal hypertension ended up with the nickname blue balls. We hate to break it to you, but it’s not because of how sad a man gets after striking out with the opposite sex.
A recent piece from Medical News Today indicates that this condition was given the colorful moniker because it can actually turn a man’s scrotum a lovely shade of blue. This happens apparently because the testicles also fill with blood during sexual arousal.
But then, without any kind of release, the blood just gets trapped in all the wrong places, which makes the nads feel heavy and dawn the bizarre appearance of a horny, bloated Smurf.
So it swells.
“Too much blood may stay in the genital area of some people who become aroused for an extended period without a release or decrease of arousal,” reads an article from Healthline. “This can cause pain and discomfort. The testicles may even start to turn blue due to the excess blood and increase in blood pressure.”
So it swells.
But lo and behold, contrary to the bullshit that some men have been known to feed women over the years about how they might die from this condition, blue balls is not even close to life-threatening.
It’s not even severe enough to warrant any medical attention at all. Although it might be uncomfortable, the pain will eventually subside once the blood escapes the testes and moves on to other parts of the body.
The quickest way to remedy a relentless case of blue balls, however, is to just have an orgasm.
We realize that most of you don’t have to be told that it’s okay to jerk off – Hell, some of you have probably done it twice since starting this article – but masturbation is going to be your only solace if date night doesn’t go according to plan.
Then again, if you happen to be one of those weirdoes who doesn’t play with himself every chance he gets, medical experts say cold showers, exercise and applying a warm compress are all reliable methods for returning your balls back to their pale, saggy existence.
So it swells.
All jokes aside, it is essential to note that if a man experiences constant pain in the old family jewels for whatever reason, he should consult a doctor.
What feels like blue balls could be a more serious condition – anything from kidney stones to testicular cancer.
But just remember, as long as punchin’ the munchkin relieves the pain, you’re probably not dealing with an issue any more severe than a blue sack and a bruised ego.
So, suck it up son, that’s why they invented second and third dates.
[via Medical News Today]
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Mike Adams is a freelance writer for High Times, Cannabis Now, and Forbes. You can follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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