A Possibly Deadly Speedboat! Plus 10 Things We Want

by 5 years ago

ReadQuick, $Free

Some people out there have developed the ability to speed-read. Others have a photographic memory. These are horrible people who will get better grades than you.

Luckily, you can pretty easily learn how to cheat the system. ReadQuick will train you in the ways of speed reading, allowing you to devour the required stuff much quicker than before. It's how I get through “editing” Ask a Bro. Ba-dum-cha.

Good Fucking Advice Mugs, $17

Hey, asshole. Get out of bed. Go to work. Finish that spreadsheet. Here, look, drink this coffee that's in a cup that yells at you. Motivated yet?

ProTravel Carry-On, $199

Never check in bags. Unless you're doing something like a month-long Eurotrip, it's just not worth it—actually, don't do it on the Eurotrip either. Your bag will be lost to the Prague, and no one less than Liam fucking Neeson will be able to recover it.

Diatribe aside, if any bag maker promises a functional backpack with the storage space necessary to replace a larger checked bag, I want in. The guys at ProTravel are promising just that. Their new, Kickstarter-funded bags feature full-length zippers (providing easy accessibility), dozens of pockets to keep your stuff organized, and a rain cover that'll work for backpacking. Plus, it doesn't look horrible.

Talking Ron Burgundy, $45

After last week's unveiling of SEX PANTHER—made with bits of real panther—we move to an actual Ron Burgundy action figure, released just in time for the sequel. It comes with a robe, scotch glass, aviator shades, and dumbbell. (I don't know if you were listening, but he can do almost a thousand.) Mr. Burgundy also speaks 12 movie quotes. He's the best $45 you've ever spent.

Hammerhead, $75

Hammerhead works as a GPS for your bike, with a twist. Not only do its LED lights show turn-by-turn directions, the Hammerhead will design bike routes in your city based on your preferences: hills, distance, scenery or difficulty. Cool shit. 

Amazon Kindle Fire HDX Tablet, $229

No longer just the cheap tablet, Amazon's new Kindle Fire HDX could give the iPad a run for its money. The details via GearPatrol:

Its processing is handled by a zippy Snapdragon 2.2 GHz quad-core chip, battery life is bumped to 11 hours, weight is dropped 13.2 ounces and pixels are crammed in at a rate of 339 per inch. The “Mayday” button will have an Amazon Expert show up on your screen 24/7/365 if you can’t figure out how to get “Say Yes To the Dress” out of your viewing history. You’ll probably just end up talking about how cool your tablet is. Oh, and it starts at $229, available this November

PowerUp 3.0, $50

So the Hammerhead desecrates one bit of childhood, the bike, in the name of technology. How about the paper airplane?

Meet the PowerUp 3.0! It's a way to remotely control a paper airplane with your phone, via a BlueTooth-enabled rudder, prop, and accelerometer connected to a snap-on carbon fiber rod. Basically: It's an app that controls what used to be a piece of printer paper. 

GTA V, $60

YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED IT YET? You should play it. GTA V is incredible in its scope, a ridiculously fun game that tosses aside the (admirable) attempts at seriousness of GTA IV in favor of ballsy jewel heists and the liquor-soaked tales of a lunatic named Trevor. It also made, like, the GDP of a small Central American country last week. That many people can't be wrong.

Wallet & Key Organizer, $20

Coming in at the size of a credit card, the All-In-One holds keys, cards, cash & more without bulging out of that pair of jeans—the ones that aren't skinny hipster shit, obviously, but aren't exactly JNCOs, ya know? Anyway, let's move on. There's a speedboat to talk about.

XSR Interceptor, $Price Upon Request

I don't think you can buy this. At the very least, I'm not 100% sure. The XSR Interceptor is a speedboat that comes equipped with lightweight multi-role missiles—capable of taking down targets at sea and air—an automated matchine gun, and FLASH sonar that alerts the boat when it's being tracked by enemy submarines. The XSR is available to be bought by countries—is that the new Libyan government on the horn?—and, uh, corporations. There is a roughly 2% chance that Halliburton does not own the Interceptor.

Anyway, we should finish with this, an actual line from the weapons diagram: “The Kongsberg Sea Protector is a fully stabalised remote controlled weapon station. Precision kill capabilities help conserve ammunition and limit the risk of inflicting collateral damage. All this while the crew remains safe and unexposed to hostile fire.” WANT.

TAGS10 things we want this week