A Minute-by-Minute Breakdown of the Kendra Sex Tape

by 8 years ago


Oh, Kendra. Why must you disgust me? We all suspected that you were gutter trash, but watching your video really sold me on that theory. In fact, if it wasn’t for Hugh Hefner, you would be a third-tier adult entertainment star, living in rural Nebraska, and you’d have a labia so bruised that it would look like a three day-old banana peel.

In the beginning of this poorly edited vignette, I seriously thought that this was an audition. But then, there came a point when Kendra kept refusing to be taped, but ever the showman, her unsightly lover convincingly got her to keep going. Using selling tactics like, “C’mon, babe,” and “Just let me do this,” Orson the pig was triumphant in getting her to comply. Actually, I happen to think she looks drunk or even on drugs at points in the video. But that is merely speculation and years of experience having sex with coke hoes talking.

Here is a minute by minute breakdown of what you can watch when you get home from work or whenever your dick’s little heart desires:

0:00 – 1:00:
A nekked Kendra, clad in white hooker boots, starts the video off dancing like a str*pper. She caresses her box and tits while taking the occasional break to grind the nightstand and dry hump the trailer floor. My guess is that she is familiar with c*nt mites.

1:00 – 2:00:
Thanking God that she is done dancing, the camera man pans to the bed. It, of course, is made of water. There is a blanket on the bed, it has a picture of an angry panther. Or maybe it’s a cougar? Who knows? At this juncture, I think that some serious f*cking is about to occur. But it doesn’t. Instead, Kendra asks him to stop filming her. Like all of her request, this is met with resistance, so she forges on and starts f*cking the cougar’s face.

2:00 – 4:00: At this point the video begins to get really boring. She continues to gyrate as she alternates from dry humping the air to face f*cking the cougar.

4:00 – 5:00: Kendra lays still on he bed for an entire minute with a glossy look in her eyes. This part of the movie is where boners go to die. Skip it.

5:00 – 6:30: Once again Kendra doesn’t want to be filmed. But her co-star, who is as unfortunate looking as they come, says, “Keep ’em open, keep ’em open. OPEN YOUR LEGS!” Like a good girl, Kendra listens to him and then she videotapes Baby Huey eating her out.

In other words, start watching the video at the 6:30 mark.

6:30 – 7:30: It’s about to get real! Because it’s f*ck time. Sadly, after a minute, Kendra says, “I can’t do this right now” (probably because the guys dick is the size of a baby’s thumb) and then she licks the camera as she walks off. Kendra = Class, if you hadn’t already deduced that.

7:30 – 9:30: After what we can assume is a break to pump more drugs into her system, they start f*cking again. Only this time we get to watch this fat hillbilly f*ck her from on top. The look on his face, says it all, “I’m so glad I bought all that rufalin.”  

9:30 – The End:
Kendra gets back on top for all of 30 seconds and then quickly jumps off, looking rather disgusted, as her slob lover blows his load into his fist. He then sits on the bed for a few moments pondering what he can do with a handful of c*m. We never do find out it’s fate, since he walked off the screen, but we can assume his impoverished ass ate it.

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