2012: Year of the Dragon
For anyone that follows the Chinese calendar, you know that
2012 is the year of the dragon. However,
the dragon referenced in the Chinese calendar is far different from what single
men use the term for. A dragon is a girl
well below a guy’s standards that he hooks up with, usually when drunk, just
for some action. The idea being that one
has to slay the dragons to get to the princess, or more appropriately the girl
that meets or exceeds his standards. Well
unfortunately 2012 was my year of the dragon, under the latter definition of
2012 coming to an end, I figure that I should get my story out as quickly as
possible to warn all those prepping for New Year’s Eve when millions of guys
will be randomly kissing a girl that they just met and millions will be slaying
yet another dragon. When the ball
dropped at the end of 2011, I for the first time started off a year kissing a
dragon and I truly believe that one single act impacted my entire 2012
relationship with women, never before had my standards been so low and my
hookups been so disappointing. For your
enjoyment I will chronicle my hookups over the past year in hopes of
discouraging you from making the same mistake that I did.
New Year’s Eve, I was in New Orleans and the clock was ticking down to midnight
but I had yet to secure my New Year’s kiss.
Earlier in the night I had been doing pretty good work on a pretty
attractive girl before my friend decided to step in and make me look like an
ass. So, I found myself in a time crunch
as New Year’s Eve is easily the best hook up night of the year. At a little after 11 pm, my friend and I saw
an opportunity. Two girls walking alone
down Bourbon Street all by themselves, sure the girls were below our standards
but the clock was ticking. I started
talking to the shorter, bustier girl, who had Es, which I guess was cool. She was a Michigan co-ed who had travelled to
New Orleans because Michigan was playing in the upcoming Sugar Bowl. Anyways, we went to a bar had a few drinks,
kissed at midnight and took her to my hotel.
Little did I know the curse I had brought upon myself.
February I travelled to Las Vegas for my birthday. Unfortunately as a graduate student, it is
tough to convince any of your friends to take a weekend off of studying to go
partying in Vegas so I decided to go solo.
Only problem was rooms were close to $200 a night and I was unwilling to
pay that much. I decided the best option
was either to stay up all night waiting to get a room early the next morning or
try to find a girl to stay with. Late
that night, an opportunity appeared to present itself in the form of a late-30s
Persian women. She comes up to me and
says, “Where are you staying tonight.”
“I’m not sure, I don’t have a room right now,” I responded. “Ok, you stay with me at the Luxor,” she
concluded. I was overjoyed; even though
this woman was hardly attractive I had a place to stay. We sat at the blackjack table for a few hours
and made out at the table like two people possessed. I gave her close to $400 to play blackjack
and she promised to pay me back once we returned to her room. After she blew through the money she begged
for more which I was unwilling to give.
A minute later she went to the bathroom never to return, I was out $400
bucks and a place to stay. Not to mention
my mouth tasted horrible from the Persian ashtray I had been kissing.
I travelled to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, which would turn out to be the wildest
and strangest month of my life. My first
night in Rio, a few of my friends took me to a place called the Balcony
Bar. When I arrived I was so drunk I
barely realized what was going on, but for some reason I was a big hit with all
the ladies there. Tons of girls were
dancing all over me; I kept thinking this place was great. However, my excitement would be short lived
as one of the girls whispered in my ear her fee for the evening. I was outraged; I could not believe I was at
a whore house. After considering the
situation for thirty minutes, which I find impressive considering my drunken
state, I gave in. The whole exchange
would not have been so bad if my hostel would have allowed me to bring her into
my room, but because of their refusal I had to find another place to stay for
the night that was beyond my budget. On
the plus side, she did buy me breakfast in the morning.
next weekend my buddies and I travelled to Buzios, which is a resort town about
2 hours northeast of Rio, for what would be another wild weekend. After pounding drinks for hours, I found a
table of Brazilian ladies around my age and decided to try and pick them up
while speaking Portuguese; I do not speak Portuguese very well. Fortunately for me, one of the ladies at the
table was the 40 year old aunt of the girl I was trying to pick up and she
spoke English very well. For whatever
reason, she translated for us all night including later on the dance floor when
I was slobbering all over her niece’s face.
This girl was not necessarily a dragon, but the situation with her aunt
was less than ideal and not something that I find to be in good taste. Nevertheless, I got some action that I did
not have to pay for.
the end of the trip, one of my buddies had discovered that it was much cheaper
to pay for the girls at a local strip club.
I really did not want to pay for anymore action, but I figured I could
just sit at the strip club, watch the dancers and still have a good time. One of the strippers, who was a short, cute,
black girl, kept hounding me to take her to the back room, but I kindly refused. However, after watching my buddy take
numerous girls to the back I started to get bored and decided to follow the old
saying “When in Rome.” I really wish I
had some gum to give her because her breath smelled like rotten milk and I
found it very difficult to perform under the circumstances. Also I accidently hit her in the breast which
pretty much ended the whole ordeal.
Brazil, I travelled home where I decided I wanted to cool it on strange sexual
encounters, I was extremely disgusted in myself. Unfortunately, things did not work out the
way I had hoped. One of my friends came
in town for a weekend visit and we decided to hit up the clubs. After spending hours trying unsuccessfully to
pick up the top talent at the club, we found ourselves stuck with the
scraps. With our inhibitions greatly
diminished from all the heavy drinking we picked up two Latino girls who were
well below our standards, but at the time seemed just fine. We took the girls back to my apartment; I
lived in a small studio. I took my girl
on my bed while my friend took his on my parallel pull out couch. I never wanted to watch one of my friends
have sex, especially while the other girl yelled his name, but that was the
situation I found myself in. Both girls
started moaning so loud in an attempt to drown out the other, I could not help
but laugh hysterically. It was a very
strange night and not one that I hope to relive again.
Halloween, I was able to pick up a girl right about the level of my
standards. However, I do not like
picking up girls in my graduate program because of how small and gossipy it is
so it was not a wise decision. In the
middle of our hookup, my nose started bleeding while I was straddled on top of
her, odd that it occurred on Halloween.
Fortunately she did not notice, I ran to the bathroom cleaned myself
off, and came back with a paper towel. I
said she had something on her face and washed it off. Well she did in fact notice, she told all her
friends, and I created quite the reputation for myself around school.
failure occurred a few days before Thanksgiving while my buddies and I
travelled to Las Vegas, my second time there this year. After spending a few hours at the strip club,
one of my buddies and I decided to call it a night. Well, I thought we were calling it a
night. My friend had sat in the front
seat of the cab and instructed the cabbie to take us to a massage parlor. Once again I found myself extremely
intoxicated in a situation that I was not fond of, but decided to just go with
it. The Asian masseuse gave me a
standard massage, then she gave hand motions for a blow job and hand job and
stated the price. I decided to take the
bj, but after a minute I realized that this woman was awful. I tapped her on the shoulder and said how
much for this while miming sex. She
stated the price and I agreed. That was
once again terrible; I should have just accepted the hj and saved my money. Plus
I would have felt a lot better about myself the next day.
my year while very active was extremely disappointing. The hookups that I listed were only the
highlights from the year, I left out most of the uneventful dragons that I
slayed. I truly believe that if I had
started the year on a better note, the rest of my year would have been
better. That is why when the ball drops
at midnight this year I am finding myself a princess to kiss, and I would
recommend that you do the same.