Admit It, You’d Totally Nosh The Hell Out Of This Gross Ass Looking Burger Inspired By Everyone’s Favorite Porn Star

by 4 years ago


If there are two things that provide me completely unfettered bliss in my lonely life here on this big planet, it’s munching down on some danky burgers and jerking off to pornography starring our nation’s best adult film actresses.

The question is: Would combining the two bring me even greater pleasure?

I don’t know. I certainly don’t want to go to Shake Shack, ask for extra napkins, then take my double back to my bed and eat it with my left hand while getting at it with my right. That sounds like a recipe for disaster, not to mention, how the fuck would I search and switch between videos? Lay the burger on my chest then type “Faye Reagan Lesbian Full Length” while fucking Shack Sauce drips off my fingers and onto my keyboard? No. I’m not a freak.

That said, I’m not completely against some sort of crossover.

Enter Blackhaus, in Los Angeles, who has on their menu the Alexis Texas.

That’s right. This site’s favorite blonde auteur, in hamburger form.

Ms. Texas got it for herself last night and it, much like some of the best porn is, looks sloppy.

Ugh. Gross.

Mac and cheese oozing out the sides of it like some metaphor I don’t even wanna make because this shit already went off the rails four paragraphs ago.

Like a mac and cheese creampie.

The entire cuntcocktion consists of grass-fed beef (this whole ingredient list is a Rorschach test of your ability to find entendre in anything), three cheese mac and cheese, bacon, jalapenos, crispy onions, and BBQ sauce, all on a brioche bun.

Let’s hope she’s not filming anything today.

Not that knowing she did would stop you from watching after it was released.

You perv.

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