America is a weird place. If you don’t believe me, just check out a map. It is littered with city and town names that both make you laugh and wonder what in the hell its founders were smoking when they came up with them. And while some of those names are just flat-out odd – Toad Suck, Arkansas for the win! – some of them transcend mere weirdness and enter into the realm of the truly dirty. And since we here at Guyism are experts on all things dirty, we thought we’d bring you this – 14 of the dirtiest city names in America. Enjoy, you degenerates.
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Eight states have a city named Climax, which apparently means that only sixteen percent of American states have experienced the ultimate gratification. The dirtiest of the bunch is probably Climax, Florida, which makes sense when you consider that Florida is basically America’s wang.
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President Clinton, back when he was Governor of Arkansas, declared Bald Knob “a shining beacon for all mankind, a utopian wonderland freed from the constraints of unwanted hair, a place where a sturdy oak tree can grow unencumbered by tangled weeds and unsightly sagebrush.” It’s still considered one of his greatest speeches.
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Sure, the town was probably named after Teddy Roosevelt, whose nickname was of course “Ol’ Rough and Ready” but I prefer to think that the town of Rough and Ready is actually the hidden capital of the S&M world, a place where deviants proudly walk the streets in assless leather chaps, led by leashes held by whip-wielding dominatrices, where ball gags are as plentiful as oranges and seeing-eye gimps lead the blindfolded across Main Street. Truly a wonderland of the soul.
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Rumor has it that the residents of Oral and the citizens of Bald Knob work closely together in a heartwarming example of interstate cooperation. Rumor also has it that the men of Oral tried to get together in 1956 and change the town’s name to Anal but the female population said that Oral was as far as they’d go. What can I say, local elections (that’s elections with an “L” not an “R”) can be painful.
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Unlike the people of Oral, the folks of Bumpass weren’t afraid to take things to the next level when they were naming their fair village. I guess Virginia really is becoming a more liberal state.
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Believe it or not, the people of French Lick don’t even do anything all that special with their tongues. I know, disappointing, but we sent a Guyism intern to French Lick to figure out what made French Lick so special – and so different from American Lick - and six months later he just came back smelling of cow manure and shame. He still won’t tell us what those farmers did to him but he did say that they weren’t the ones doing the licking.
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The women of Big Beaver have a reputation for being loose. Morally, I mean. Which is sort of ironic when you consider that its twin city is named Small Cock.
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Like I said earlier, Virginia is clearly becoming more liberal. The only problem is that the population of Threeway is 67% male.
Photo credit: Christine Rondeau, Flickr
Clearly, some parts of Virginia are more progressive than others. Let’s just hope that Fourway keeps its population from becoming too male otherwise the name will have to be changed to Gangbang and nobody wants that.
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There are a lot of Packer fans in Spread Eagle, where it is said the view is absolutely breathtaking. Some people have complained about the smell though. You know, because of the fish from the lakes and streams of the area. What did you think I meant?
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The people of Intercourse just get to the point, don’t they? I’m most impressed that they don’t feel the need to specialize, like the people of Oral. I guess the residents of Intercourse are just deeper, more complex if you will, and understand the need to diversify in these tough economic times. Truly, it’s an economy with several different inputs, monetarily I mean.
Photo credit: Dustin Plank, Flickr
Theoretically, it’s possible to travel from Intercourse, Alabama to Climax, Florida and then to Cumming, Georgia all in a single day. Indeed, some would call that the greatest of all American road trips.
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This is what happens when the people of French Lick, Indiana and Big Beaver, Pennsylvania meet and form their own town. Coincidentally, it also reportedly has the highest rate of personal satisfaction amongst women of any city in the nation. And it’s said that the men can lift dumbbells using only their tongues! I guess there must be something in the water.
Photo credit: Tobyotter, Flickr
You know, it makes sense that the most frustrating and depressing town in America would be in Ohio, which as we all know is the most frustrating and depressing state in the Union. I’m not sure what the suicide rate is in Blue Ball but I assume it must be terrible. Also, oddly enough, Blue Ball is the only city in the nation where the men all got together and passed an ordinance requiring only cold water in showers. Truly the most miserable place on Earth. Also, the dirtiest, which is ironic given all those cold showers.
Photo credit: Robbie1, Flickr