The Man Boy (synonym, Man Child): a subspecies of Homo sapiens. Have the exterior of an adult male, and the interior of a prepubescent teen. Repelling to sane women. Commonly possess the following traits.
Photo credit: jerekeys, Flickr
7 Dildo envy
If you accidentally stumble across your girlfriend’s chest o’toys and immediately become insanely jealous, odds are you need to, in the words of Ice Cube, “check yo self before you wreck yo self.” The only feeling you should have upon such occurrence is pride. Plastic and battery-operated gadgets can’t replace the natural progression of awesome sex. Never. Getting off more frequently increases a woman’s sex drive and ability to orgasm. Win-win, all around. Encourage by gifting the Rabbit on seasonally appropriate Easter.
6 Finding humor in other people’s choice of beverages
You know how there’s always that dude at the bar who says things along the lines of, “You ordered a gin and tonic? What are you, an old gay man?” Man Child. I am thirsty for a gin and tonic, I will drink a gin and tonic athankyou. Sure, sucking on PBRs all night doesn’t scream sophistication. But I have exactly ten dollars left in my budget to get shitfaced and this place has a shot-of-whisky-and-can of-PBR-for-$3 special. That’s right, I said budget. Withhold judgment, and let fellow alcohol consumers drink whatever their little buzzed hearts desire.
5 Needing reminders to partake in hygienic activities
From meh-alarming to just bad news:
“You need to shave.”
“You need a haircut.”
“You need to shower.”
“You need to brush your teeth.”
Silence, as people refuse to sit next to you on public transit, social situations. You may hear muffled complaints comparing your stench to, “The sourest, hairiest, sweatiest balls you can ever imagine.”
4 Inability to do laundry
Same goes for owning a laminated copy of steps produced by one of your ‘rents. Putting your clothes in a washing machine, throwing in a cup of detergent, and switching them over to a dryer in due time truly isn’t that difficult. Points to the dudes who separate lights from darks, even though I, for one, do not have the patience or quarters for that. MORE points to the guys who line dry — it’s better for your clothes, the environment, and it makes your place smell pretty. And hey, it’s European! Am I right? (It’s cool… the dryer works fine, too.)
3 Dependent financial status
We guess we should tell you to ride the train for as long as you can. But if your folks are still forking over cash to pay the cell phone bill for your stupid Blackberry, your car insurance, and your rent, something is just not right. What are you spending all your hard-earned money on? (CoughBLOWcough. Not funny if you have a problem!) Put those Consumer Etc. skills to good use. Maybe make a budget, like PBR drinker in #6.
2 Love of littering
Oh, I’m sorry — is your mommy going to pick up that gum wrapper you just chucked onto the sidewalk? Somewhere, Captain Planet is hanging his head in grief, and preparing a plan to kick your careless little ass. And Wonder Woman just wrote you off. Throw your trash in the trashcan… dick.
1 Tendency to piss oneself
Unlike the other points, this characteristic is a little less, er, voluntary? The most literal comparison to a young one is the inability to control one’s bowel or bladder. We suppose you dealing with the laundering of sheets or soiled pants (and hesitantly calling your mom to take you through the steps of doing so), the excrement-stench of guilt, and the nasty hangover is bad enough. No need to keep ripping on you. We all grow up soon enough, kid.