Everyone communicates through e-mail these days and it’s important that you’re sending the right message to your correspondents. Whether you’re applying for a job, shooting off a complaint letter, or propositioning a woman on Craigslist, you want to make sure you’re making the best possible impression.
Photo credit: FixtheFocus, Flickr
You were the coolest dude around in the 90’s. Everyone loved your dial-up jokes, Clinton impressions, and fluorescent warm-up jackets. But now you’re just another middle-aged parent living in the suburbs with no time to go online. Your computer use is limited to forwarding chain letters and surfing chat rooms with the hope of cybering.
You’re a non-offensive hip guy who stays on top of all the trends. Can’t go wrong with a basic firstname.lastname e-mail address that strips away any sense of anonymity. 90% of your time is completely consumed by G-chatting all day long. The other 10% of your time is spent worrying that GMail is becoming too mainstream. You’re debating switching over to an @mac address, but you have to get new Converse sneakers first.
You could spend all day watching Hulk Hogan’s reality show reruns. Unfortunately the prison has strict TV watching hours. Your inbox is filled up with e-mails from lonely women, Viagra-related spam, and E! reality TV show propositions.
You got your e-mail address during the AOL pay-for-Internet era. Although you were dying for a cool screen name, you were too poor to shell out the monthly fee. It’s now your go-to spam e-mail address whenever you’re filling out online forms or trying to create multiple accounts on one website.
You were the first person to ever sign up for an e-mail address back in 1771. People were still using horse and carriages to get to work when you invented the “If you don’t send this to 20 people right away, you will have 7 years of bad luck” chain letter. Unfortunately you’ve gone completely senile since then and no one has the heart to tell you that Prodigy as well as FDR are relics of the past.
2 School Mail
You went to a very good school and it’s important to you that your alma mater is the first thing that people see. So what if you graduated 30 years ago. And who cares that your GPA was .8. All that matters to you is your contacts knowing that you’re better than them every single time they open an e-mail from you.
You never read that memo from HR telling you that all e-mail sent from your company would be monitored. That’s why you use it to send porn links to your friends and rants about your boss to your family. Eventually you will be featured in a newspaper article about a man who got fired for using his work e-mail for personal matters.