Let’s talk about the conquest: Whether you’re looking for a one night stand or something more, impressing the hell out of a girl at a bar — as in, enough to get her to come home with you — takes some tact. Even if you’re a stand-up guy, make sure to actively avoid these slip-ups that will surely induce eye rolls and, “Wow, I’m suddenly really tired, see ya!” as she sprints out of the bar.
Photo credit: the_toe_stubber, Flickr
7 Blab about your start-up Web site
Holy crap, you’re starting a Web site? So was the guy I met last week. And the week before that. I don’t know if those three words are supposed to elicit cartoon-sized dollar signs in my eyes or make me consider the luxuries to be had by Mrs. Zuckerburg. Keep up the entrepreneurial spirit and good luck with your so-post-millennial venture — just don’t expect your dotcom alone to bring me to my knees.
6 Talk about your parents — a lot
Although it is semi-interesting to learn a little about the couple that spawned you, the fact that your mom is a sex therapist and your dad “knows a lot of people” is not turning me on. I know you’re trying your damnedest to build some poor excuse of an emotional connection in the shortest amount of time possible. And while it’s great that you love your folks, this drunk-talk might make me think you haven’t had the balls to cut the apron strings.
5 Joke about roofies
Roofies are not funny. Okay, maybe they’re mildly funny in The Hangover. Since I assume you’re not going to have the resources to pull a Todd Phillips in the matter of a few hours, you might as well not broach the topic. Most women have been conditioned to deeply fear desperate men throwing horse tranquilizers in our beverages since we were in training bras. Losing my motor abilities and only recalling the five minutes of the night where I projectile vomit is not, hypothetically, entertaining to me. I would actually go so far as to call it the opposite of hilarious.
4 Call yourself “a catch”
Brag your ass off. I get it. You’re trying to impress me. Assuring me that it’s my “lucky day” because I met a guy with a paycheck in a sea of poor artists? How transparent can you be? I’m a young chick. My clock is not audibly ticking. Cool the cockiness, Buster. I’ll label you as a catch myself when I discover you like all the same bands I do and don’t totally bore the hell out of me.
3 Discuss her weight
If you want a girl to like you, I suggest the only words that come out of your mouth about her body include, “hot,” “perfect,” and “amazing ass.” Dive any deeper and pry for details on her gym routine, diet, or body fat percentage, and you’ll come off as a total sleaze — even if you’re trying to be complimentary.
2 Invite her back to your place — that’s three hours away
You’re out on the town while visiting a friend or on vacation, you dig a girl, and you think she’ll be super impressed by your pad. Problem? Um, you’re visiting. Inviting a woman you’ve known for all of three intoxicated hours to make an even longer trek to stay with you — it’s just insane. The next, rational, socially-appropriate steps would be to 1) Get her number or find her on Facebook 2) Send her nice, flirty, getting-to-know you messages, 3) Establish some sort of trust, and then invite her out (all expenses should be paid, duh).
1 Liken yourself to Patrick Bateman
I know a bunch of you dicks aren’t going to believe me, but this actually happened: During a conversation about Bret Easton Ellis with a guy at a bar (I live in Williamsburg, a.k.a. Hipster F-cking Central — screw you) American Psycho and good ol’ Mr. Bateman came up. Literary Extraordinaire then said, “I think I’m a lot like him,” under his breath. He proceeded to laugh, as red flags and bloody prostitute corpses danced in my head. You might as well say, “I’m a sociopath!” Pull out a knife and cut yourself while laughing, then kick someone’s dog as you run home.