Much like road rage can make even the sweetest person completely lose it, the thought of having to share a confined space with a stranger suddenly turns us all into pricks. We see another person coming toward the elevator and we immediately pull the “I was trying to push the open doors button, but I just couldn’t get there in time” move. We’d just rather not take our chances with being stuck with someone we don’t know. M. Night Shyamalan recently released a movie about a group of people stuck in an elevator with the devil. I’m pretty sure we’d all be willing to take the devil over any of the people on this list.
Photo credit: stjnky, Flickr
8 The B.O. Guy
The spicy, tangy, and sour sting of this dude’s natural scent should alert you to his approach well before it’s too late to close those elevator doors. If you fail to do so, then the hours that follow could be the worst of your life. Even if the elevator doesn’t get stuck, that 45-second elevator ride to the third floor might just be enough to make you dry heave for the next three days.
7 The Pregnant Woman Who’s Ready to Pop
Yes, it’s common courtesy to hold a door open for a woman. Especially if she happens to be pregnant. But this might be the one time to reconsider and avoid chivalry at all costs, because if that elevator does get stuck, you might soon find yourself elbow deep in amniotic sac fluid and witnessing images that will scar you for the rest of your life. Anyone who says giving birth is beautiful thing hasn’t witnessed it first hand or hasn’t yet become curious enough to Google “giving birth”. You’ll come out of that elevator looking like you just sat in the first three rows at the Shamu show at Sea World.
6 Your Girlfriend/Wife
Sometimes even the people you know better than anyone in the world are the worst to get stuck with. Despite what you might think, ladies, we don’t actually mind listening or talking to you… at least when there are doors and windows around. Because ultimately, we know that if need be, we could just make a swift escape mid-conversation as a last resort. But if we were suddenly trapped in small, enclosed quarters with you, it’d be a different story. You could corner us about marriage, kids, gifts, and/or other women and we’d have nothing around to help us divert the conversation. That’s terrifying.
5 The Guy Who’s Had “I Gotta Feeling” Stuck in his Head All Day
Just your luck, huh? You were about to close the elevator doors, but you saw this guy coming and you were kind enough to hold it for him. Now you’re stuck for what could be hours and the dude will not stop singing and whistling “I Gotta Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas. That song is annoying as is, but could you imagine if you were forced to listen to this guy over and over again…
4 The Old Lady Who Looks Like She Could Croak at Any Minute
Another example of a “normally you should open the door for”, but let’s think this one through for a second. This woman looks like she’s got about 45 minutes left to live and all of a sudden the elevator stops. When those 45 minutes are up, you’re stuck. In an elevator. With a corpse. And then you run the risk of her haunting you until you’re old enough to croak. Yes, it’s a morbid thought, but if you had just been a jerk for that split second and hit the “close door” button, none of this ever would’ve been a possibility.
3 The Dude Who Overuses his Favorite Cologne
This guy is the opposite of the B.O. Guy. He’s so terrified of smelling bad that he practically takes a shower in his Drakkar Noir before he leaves the house. You could smell this guy coming a mile away, so could you imagine being stuck in a confined space with him for a matter of hours? It’s like being permanently stuck in the perfume section of a department store… minus the hot women.
2 The Person Who Presses Up Against You Unnecessarily
It doesn’t matter if you are the only two people in the elevator, this person will see to it that they brush up against you repeatedly, using the small space as an excuse. This is the same person who chooses the urinal right next to you when there are six or seven other ones available. It’s hard to tell if this person is just suffering from a type of agoraphobia or if they’re just a total creeper. If they happen to quietly sniff your shoulder, it’s most likely the latter.
1 The Guy Who Just Can’t Control His Bodily Functions
Unless it’s a bathroom stall, a confined space is never the place to burp, fart, cough, or sneeze. All of these can be controlled, held in, or at the very least, covered up. Unfortunately, there are just some people out there who were never properly trained to hold it in for a more appropriate time. These people are hard to spot in advance, which is why, in the end, you’re just better off not holding the elevator door open for anyone at all.