It’s almost a universal truth that if you’re unhappy with your job, there’s a good chance you’re probably not as happy with life in general as you could be. Everyone has their own opinion on what the perfect dream job entails, but some of those require big fancy degrees and incredibly long hours. And let’s be honest, a lot of Guyism readers (myself included) may not have the chops to cut it as a heart surgeon or fighter pilot. So, here are nine awesome slacker jobs. I have no idea how one acquires some of these jobs, but like just about anything else in life, it’s probably all about who you know.
Photo credit: colleenpence, Flickr
9 Process Server
In most court cases when someone is being sued a summons to court must be delivered, notifying them that they’re about to get screwed. Not every state requires the documents be handed to the receiving party, so if they refuse to accept the service or simply jump in their Trans Am and peel out of the trailer park, but positive identification has been made, then the documents are considered served and mission accomplished. The job gives you plenty of free time to dick around while you track people down and ruin their day. Just don’t expect to make a lot of friends on the job.
8 Record Store Clerk
This job may not pay the big bucks but for music junkies out there who don’t have the talent to play in a band or simply lack the ambition, it doesn’t get much better. Roll in to work sometime around 10 or 11 a.m. and listen to your favorite tunes all day while you rag on the horrible taste of your customers and discuss the Top Five Hangover Records. And as a bonus, you’ll have first dibs to new releases, concert tickets, and in-store appearances from artists.
7 Marijuana Critic
Denver made headlines earlier this year when it was announced the Westwood alternative newspaper would be hiring the nation’s first newspaper medical marijuana critic. The job: Visit different pot dispensaries, sample the goods and then write a review. Easy enough, assuming you can actually remember through the cloud of smoke where you got the stuff you were smoking. And you’ll never have to worry about your employer asking you to pee in a cup.
6 Chocolate Taster
Just about every kid’s dream — getting paid mucho bucks for sitting around and eating candy. While that is essentially the job, it requires a little more work. Chocolate tasters must have a refined palate and know which subtle differences to be aware of when sampling the chocolates. Now, if you can match this job up with the marijuana critic, then you, my friend, have truly achieved the ultimate slacker career.
5 Celebrity Gofer
This “job” can be pretty difficult to get. You’re generally going to need to be really tight with a celebrity who trusts you and has enough cash to pay you for driving them around, feeding their vices and helping them relax when they might be stressed out. On the major plus side, you can look forward to the possibility of free rent, food, rides, VIP service, girls that you couldn’t possibly get on your own and maybe chillin’ with the rest of their entourage in a rap video. So it’s definitely got a few perks.
4 Waterslide Tester
No, I’m not lying, this job actually exist and is just as awesome as the title implies. If you’re as lucky as Tommy Lynch, then you get to travel around to resorts and make sure their waterslides and pools are up to par. In 2008, Mr. Lynch had the fortune of making everybody he knew insanely jealous as he traveled the globe testing waterslides in Egypt, Mexico, Jamaica and Greece. And the best part, no waiting in long lines behind the fat guy with a gorilla back and five annoying kids.
3 Pro Surfer/Snowboarder/Skater
Okay, don’t get all defensive and think that I’m saying these guys don’t have amazing skill and put a lot of dedication into their respected careers. I realize they’re terrific athletes. But at the end of the day, they’re getting paid ridiculous amounts of money for doing something that most of us only get to do on vacation from our slightly less exciting jobs. I’m sure if you asked Shaun White or Kelly Slater just how awesome their jobs are, they wouldn’t have much criticism about the free swag, fat checks and MTV-worthy cribs.
2 Tropical Island Caretaker
Imagine spending every day on a tropical island living in a rent free condo complete with pool and your only responsibility is to write about the great gig and how you would trade your left testicle to keep the job. Oh, and you’re pulling in a cool $100K. That’s exactly the gig Ben Southall landed when he was selected to be the caretaker of an island off Australia’s Great Barrier Reef.
While training for a lot jobs might include boring Saturday morning seminars about “company policy regarding TI reports,” Ben’s included snorkeling and beachside buffets.
Read about Ben’s job here.
1 Oil Guy For Models
I admit that this probably isn’t the correct title for this job. I don’t even know if it has a correct title. Maybe it’s photographer’s assistant, but whatever… The point is that those supermodels you see in magazines that appear to be glistening with sweat or tanning oil? Somebody has the job of applying that sexy magic. Somewhere right now in Tahiti or the Greek Isles, there is a guy spritzing Adriana Lima with water or applying sunscreen to Alessandra Ambrosio’s backside. Don’t make the same mistake as the guys in Dumb and Dumber when the Hawaiian Tropic Bus pulls up alongside you.