Last week’s episode ended with a relatively shocking twist. This week we’re back on the American Horror Story: Coven horse with a recap of American Horror Story S03E04.
Rather than totally freeball it like I’ve been doing the last couple weeks, I’m going to go back to my Winners and Losers format to clean things up. My sacrifice for you.
WINNER: Easy cleanup of witch murders
Last week ended with Fiona slashing the throat of Madison, the would-be supreme. And that murder most foul was quickly brushed under the rug thanks to the cleanup skills of the tongueless Spaulding.
The Witch Council came to investigate Madison’s disappearance at the request of Nan when she can no longer hear Madison in her thoughts. Proof of killing a witch leads to getting burned at the stake.
The Council is sick of Fiona’s shit, basically. She was around when the last Supreme AnnaLee died. And now she’s around again when Madison has died. It’s all very suspicious.
LOSER: All involved parties in Queenie’s minotaur seduction
Queenie attempted to seduce the slave-turned-minotaur in some sort of misguided plan to get him out of attacking the house. And all she got for it was gored. Isn’t that always how love goes?
Unfortunately for the minotaur slave, Fiona had to take things into her own hands and sent Marie Laveau a decapitated man-bull head as a parting gift.
WINNER: Delia’s husband’s big Halloween day
While Delia is cleaning up the Witch Council mess, some red-headed chick named Kaylee (played by the always foxy Alexandra Breckinridge) whom Delia’s husband met online comes over for sex. And then gets shot in the head by him after saying she hopes he doesn’t break her heart. This show really fills me with hope for my own romantic relationships.
LOSER: Spaulding’s tongue
After the last Supreme murder, the leader of the Witch Council named Myrtle was one of the other young women in Miss Robichaux’s Academy vying for the title of Supreme. So she enchanted the tongue of Spaulding, the butler, to ensure he would tell the truth about what happened to AnnaLee. So he cut his own tongue out to protect Fiona since he was in love with her.
That’s not the end of the weirdness, though. Spaulding is apparently keeping Madison’s body and having tea parties with it. Oh, Spaulding, you rascal.
LOSER: Madison’s Supreme candidacy
During the Witch Council trial, Myrtle loses her shit, angered that Fiona is always getting away with things. But even though Fiona might be getting away with the murder of Madison (and AnnaLee), Delia helpfully points out that Madison couldn’t have been the Supreme-to-be. She had a heart murmur and the Supreme must be full of glowing health, apparently. Hollywood these days, so soft.
WINNER: Whatever magic Marie Laveau is doing
In the beginning of the episode, we’ve got slaves rising from their graves to kill people and then some snake handling to do something else equally wicked. I’m not sure what she’s planning but it’s kind of ridiculous how superpowered these black witches are compared to these frail white girl witches. Somewhere, some black lady is watching this and saying “Mmmhrmmm” extra loud.
Turns out the magic being unleashed is a horde of zombies coming to the front door of the Academy that include Madame LaLurie’s daughters who were hung in front of her house. So. Much. power.
LOSER: Delia’s face
Not because her husband is hooking up with other chicks but also because some person in a mask and cloak came into the bathroom while Delia got drinks with Fiona and splashed some poison in her face. Rough day for this girl.
Tons of stuff going on in this episode and it made it a little bit overwhelming. In fact, we hardly spent any time with Kyle, who’s probably still covered in the blood of his molesty mom. But what’s up with Delia’s husband? Why is Delia getting a face full of acid? Why did Queenie think she could fuck the minotaur? Plot overload.
Still, fun stuff. Four corpse tea parties out of five from me.