‘American Horror Story: Coven’ – Review of ‘Burn, Witch, Burn’

by 5 years ago

Last week’s American Horror Story: Coven threw a whole lot of new plotlines out there. And this week we’ve got zombies and slave bits and oh God this is going to get dark.

LOSER: Anyone who gets sulfuric acid thrown in their face

As we left last week, Delia got an unidentified liquid thrown in her face by someone in a black cloak. This week, we learned the damage: Delia’s face got all melted and she’s probably permanently blind. Fiona doesn’t take it so well.

Madame Lalurie


Fiona’s consumed with guilt over the acid attack for some reason; in a hallucination, some hospital patient in his underwear tells her “You may not have thrown the acid but you’re responsible for it.” She then talks to some woman whose baby was born stillborn and makes the woman hold it and talk to it and then the baby somehow comes to life. I’d be pretty okay with dead things staying dead, such as…

WINNER: The first appearance of zombies on American Horror Story

The handsome neighbor kid whom Madison said she would bone decides that the zombies in the front lawn must just be people pulling a prank. He goes out to try to scare them off but then Marie Laveau has some command to get them moving and they kill some other dude and attack handsome neighbor bro. They’re also capable of using weapons, so that’s not ideal.

Nan saves handsome neighbor bro (whose name is Luke but he really should consider changing it to Handsome Neighbor Bro) because she’s the hero Zombie City deserves. They hide in a car that eventually gets overrun by the undead crew until Zoe distracts them by banging pots and pans. Zombie ADHD is a serious problem and should not be taken so lightly.

LOSER: Zombie reunions with Madame Lalurie’s daughter

Madame Lalaurie’s zombie daughter gets into the house and Lalurie makes a plea to the girl to recognize her, apologizing for what she’s done to her. Of course, that never works and zombie daughter strangles her for a bit, then beats Spaulding in the head with a candle stick, then goes after Queenie. Queenie’s voodoo tricks don’t work but a poker through the heart does. These are non-traditional zombie rules and I am not okay with it.

Zoe eventually finds a chainsaw and makes her way through some of them with it until the gas runs out. Zoe holds her hand up and blasts a zombie in the face with witch power, sending Marie Laveau to the floor. So I guess we know who the new Supreme is.

They end up burning the bodies of all the zombies after Zoe’s zombie atomic bomb and I can’t imagine that smelled pleasant.

WINNER: Acid face’s powers of seeing the past

Delia’s husband goes to see her in the hospital and gets scolded by Fiona for being a shitty husband. He then goes to see Delia, touches her hand, and Delia sees the sex he had with the redheaded chick and recoils.

Meanwhile, Fiona ends up back in front of the witch coven. They say that there’s been a ton of attacks on the academy since she came back and want to strip her of rulership of the coven. Turns out that Myrtle was the one who threw acid in Delia’s face — Fiona also implies that she killed Madison — and when Fiona points out acid on Myrtle’s hands, they opt to burn Myrtle for her crimes.

The coven and council lead Myrtle to a stake in a white dress, douse her in gasoline, and then Fiona’s lit cigarette burns her alive. Zoe seems particularly perturbed by the whole thing. Probably because no one brought marshmallows.

WINNER: Fiona’s evil plans

Turns out that the acid burn on Myrtle’s hands that secured her fate at the stake was because Fiona enlisted Queenie’s voodoo powers. Queenie feels guilt over how this led to Myrtle’s death but when she goes to Fiona about it, she says maybe Queenie might be the next Supreme to quell her concerns.

And meanwhile, Spaulding’s tea parties with Madison’s rotting corpse — which he keeps in a trunk — continue. Until he accidentally rips her arm off trying to get her out of the trunk. Oh Spaulding.

WINNER: Myrtle’s second chance at life

Misty Day, the bayou witch with the ability to bring people back to life, stumbles upon the burnt body of Myrtle — being picked apart by dogs — and brings her back to life. I’m sure she’ll be pretty cool with letting bygones be bygones.

So here’s the thing with American Horror Story: I’d be totally cool with just ONE character who dies staying dead. But the one character whom I’d like to maybe see come back to life, Madison, is the one who’s busy rotting away and losing arms. Frustrating.

Either way, I presume this is Misty’s revenge against the coven for Zoe never coming back to see her like she promised. And Myrtle will have some plan for revenge. But who threw the acid? And why did Delia’s husband shoot the hot redheaded chick last week? ANSWER ME, TV SHOW.

I’ll give this one four piles of burnt fake zombie bodies. Entertaining from start to finish as always.

TAGSAmerican Horror Story recapsAmerican Horror Story: CovenTV recapsWinners and losers

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