These foxy teen witches are resurrecting the dead and causing problems for everyone. What’s going to happen now? Let’s review the latest American Horror Story: Coven episode “The Dead” and see what’s next.
WINNER: Madison’s post-death life
Madison’s life after death is something between a suicidal person and a stoner as she can’t feel pain and also eats like a fucking monster. But her existence makes no sense to her any more and it seems like it’s sort of a relief, perhaps?
WINNER: Queenie’s fast food order
Queenie goes to get some fast food with Madame LaLurie and, shocker, it’s a big order. But LaLurie tells Queenie that the other witches aren’t her sisters and never will be. She’s black, they’re not. Even though we’d like to believe that doesn’t matter — and, realistically, listening to a woman who owned and abused slaves is probably not a fair barometer of racial acceptance — Queenie buys into it.
Queenie then goes to visit Marie Laveau after getting it all stirred up and Laveau gets all black nationalist witch on her. She’ll always be second place to the white witches, etc. So she encourages Queenie to find out more about what Madame LaLurie did to slaves and then make her own assessment.
LOSER: Everything in Fiona’s life
Fiona met the formerly dead Axeman at a bar at the end of last episode and in this episode she’s found her way back to a house whose owner the Axeman just murdered to listen to some jazz and, probably, get boned. Meanwhile, Delia has figured out that Fiona was the one to slit Madison’s throat.
Naturally, Fiona gets all Fiona and calls the house — which, again, the Axeman just murdered a dude for — a roach motel and gets all bitchy. But the Axeman is so charming and she buys in again because, really, what else does she have going on but chemo?
Fiona stays the night and makes sweet love to the ghost Axeman and then informs him she knows about the corpse in the bathtub. They go back and forth and the Axeman then reveals he’s been watching her since she was little, even shoving a bookcase onto a girl bullying her when she was little at the Academy. He also watched sexy teenage Fiona get changed and she’s super hot and this is just kind of awkward. Finding this information out is both enraging and a turn-on to Fiona because she’s fucked up. But then she settles in as just angry and says she wants the Axeman to keep his distance.
LOSER: Revived corpse love affairs
Zoe is about to put Kyle down like a rabid dog as he has a flashback to a time when he was alive and wanted to become an architect to build a better levy in New Orleans. But she backs off for reasons that don’t entirely make sense.
Kyle then finds solace in his fellow former corpse Madison. They both have seen that there’s nothing after death and, now that they’re back, there’s nothing for them on Earth either. Except that Zoe walks in on them having sex, which just goes to show that you just can’t trust the love of people you bring back to life with pieces of other corpses.
Man, necromancy is just not as fun as it seems.
WINNER: Delia’s murder plans
Apparently Fiona does have more going on than chemo; now that Delia knows she killed Madison, she warns Zoe that her possible Supreme status make her a target for Fiona. So, in her mind, Fiona now has to die and Delia and Zoe are going to do it. Sure, why not.
Zoe does her own detective work, finding Spaulding’s enchanted truth-telling tongue and putting it back in Spaulding’s body. She then interrogates Spaulding and gets him to admit that Fiona is the one who killed Madison. Zoe tells Spaulding that he’s not a part of the Coven when he starts speaking up about how his family has served them for ten generations. But Zoe relieves him of his duties in the form of a knife to the chest. Wow. That was straight up murder there, Zoe. Maybe she is ready to be the Supreme.
WINNER: Double corpse sex
Madison catches up with Zoe and tells her that she knows she walked in on her having sex with Kyle. It’s the first time Madison has felt alive since she was brought back so she won’t give him up. But she proposes a timeshare with him. And then they have a threesome. Scratch everything I said about necromancy not being fun.
LOSER: Queenie and Madame LaLurie’s “friendship”
Queenie finds out some of Madame LaLurie’s past and LaLurie assures her that it’s not who she is now. Queenie doesn’t buy it and brings her into Marie Laveau where Laveau is then locked in a cage and has her blood used for a beauty product like she did the slaves. I have a feeling Queenie will regret this choice.
Another interesting episode though, to be honest, I’m getting kind of tired of Fiona. I get Jessica Lange drives these shows but I’m about ready to see less of her. Unfortunately, I’m assuming that won’t be the case any time soon.
I’ll give the episode three corpse threesomes out of five because it just feels symmetrically correct.
The show’s off next week so I’ll see you again after the December 4th episode.