It’s the last episode for American Horror Story: Coven before their holiday hiatus so what happened with the witches going into their break? Let’s talk about it in our review of “Head”.
WINNER: Delia’s new eyes
Delia gets the gift of sight again thanks to Auntie Myrtle and her extraction of revenge on the Witch Council. Myrtle drugs the witches, pulls their eyes out of their skulls, and then chops up the bodies.
Naturally, Delia doesn’t really ask where the eyes came from because that’s not a logical question at all. Then again, if I had my sight restored by a reanimated corpse, I’d probably avoid asking questions too.
LOSER: Next door neighbor mom’s shitty life
Nan wants to go see the neighbor boy while he’s in a coma. At first his mom demands them gone but once Nan proves her clairvoyance and that she’s speaking with her son.
The neighbor lady is at first grateful to be able to speak with her son while he’s incapacitated but then his spirit tells Nan that he found out that the mother killed her husband with a bee in his car after she found out he was cheating and that he wanted a divorce. Naturally, neighbor bitch doesn’t take it too well. Personally, I’d avoid crossing a woman who gives her son Lysol enemas but maybe that’s just me.
He wake up out of the coma, cries at his coma-induced revelation that his mother killed his father, and she opts to snuff him out with a pillow. Mother of the year status.
WINNER: Halle Berry’s cinematic opus, BAPS
Fiona attempts to have a new truce with Marie Laveau and the black witches because of whomever is trying to take her witches out. Unfortunately, Fiona is unaware that Laveau is the one hiring someone to kill them. Fiona decides to leave Madame LaLurie’s head with Laveau after their negotiation and Laveau orders Queenie just to burn it.
Instead, Queenie tries to show LaLurie a bunch of black movies as punishment/enlightenment. But LaLurie has turned back to her black hating ways and closes her eyes throughout the whole movie marathon. Dick move that just makes Queenie feel bad. But once she sees how she disappointed Queenie, she starts to watch and take it all in. There’s hope for you yet, despite your lack of a body.
LOSER: Leisurely Chinese food meals
Hank’s had a no good, very bad episode. The episode intro shows him with his father as a young boy…they’re a family of witch hunters and, at his first chance to kill a witch, young Hank lets his dad down by not taking a kill shot on the witch when he has a chance. The result is a burn wound on father dearest that lasts until years later.
The burn is reminder of Hank’s failings when he’s called to task by his father in present day. His dad is now the head of some multinational finance company that also hunts witches because those are two logical business models to combine. Dad doesn’t want Hank to fulfill the “kill all the white witches” job that Marie Laveau wants. Hank’s job was to get intel, not kill everyone.
Unfortunately, as Hank enjoys some Chinese food, Marie Laveau sends voodoo based message to hank, stabbing him all over the body. She wants Hank to kill all the witches that night or he dies.
Hank tries to rekindle things with Delia, it seems, but Delia wants none of it. She’s filing for divorce.
WINNER: Kyle the guard dog
Fiona has a guard dog that nearly eats Hank’s face as he cleans out the house. But when the dog stumbles upon the still mentally handicapped Kyle, Kyle accidentally (maybe?) kills it.
Fiona then fixes up Kyle enough to be competent at gin…he’ll be the house’s new guard dog. Hooray.
LOSER: Hank’s attempt at retribution
Rather than do what Marie Laveau wants, Hank goes one last mission to help Delia and take out all of the black witches. After taking out just about all of them, and being one second away from taking out Laveau, Queenie pulls her voodoo tricks and shoots herself in the head, taking Hank out.
Hank’s dad cries when he finds out because that’s classic absentee parenting for you.
Marie Laveau then comes to the white witch house to revisit that truce proposal. Dun dun dunnnn.
Not sure that the cliffhanger was interesting enough to tide me over for three weeks but it was a good episode. You’ve got to feel for Hank a bit here. His dad didn’t love him enough, his wife — whom he actually fell in love with during his convert mission — wouldn’t take him back, and his attempt at salvation failed, too. Life of a loser there.
Episode gets three and a half Civil Rights documentaries from me. Keep hope alive until the next episode on January 8th, folks.