American Horror Story: Coven wrapped up its third season. Who’s the new Supreme? Who lived and who died? Let’s find out in our review of season finale “The Seven Wonders”.
LOSER: Frog dissection
The challenge of the Seven Wonders includes tests of telekinesis, mind control, and transportation, amongst others, and all of the women of the house — save Cordelia and Myrtle — have to take part. The first casualty of the test comes when the women are forced to go to Hell and back. Queenie returns from the previous fried chicken Hell, Zoe returns from a life in which Kyle breaks up with her over and over again, and Madison is forced to play act. But Misty is unable to bring herself back from a world in which she’s forced to dissect and revive a frog over and over again in a middle school biology class.
Misty dies and evaporates into dust in Cordelia’s arms. Here’s hoping she brought Stevie Nicks with her.
LOSER: Fanciful games of tag
The witches are showing off their teleportation powers in a game of tag when the teleportation gets a bit too wild, resulting in Zoe getting impaled on a sharpened fence. Queenie tries to revive her dead body, another Seven Wonders test, but fails, meaning she’s not Supreme. And Madison willfully refuses to revise the body, choosing to kill and revive a fly instead. Dick move, Madison.
Since Madison has no other contenders left, she claims that she’s the new Supreme…until Cordelia enters the fray to give her competition. Cordelia passes all the tests, including the last one. But when Madison is unable to find a lost trinket, she’s disqualified and storms out, threatening to rat the witches out to TMZ.
Kyle, none too pleased about Zoe’s demise, chokes her ti death as punishment. Tough but fair, Kyle. And Ghost Spaulding comes to help him bury the body to close the loop.
WINNER: The new Supreme
Cordelia revives Zoe as her final test of the Seven Wonders, proving she’s the new Supreme. But since the Supreme must be of perfect health, her body and vision restores itself. Pure witch magic.
As her first act, Cordelia opts to tell the world that witches exist on an interview with the fictional version of CNN. As her second act, Myrtle makes Cordelia kill her since she had previously killed other witches, the two Council members. So she burns at the stake to begin Cordelia’s reign.
But just as things are looking up and Zoe and Queenie agree to be the new witches council, Fiona returns to the scene. She planted a memory in the Axeman’s brain to make him think he killed her and disappeared to Paris. Fiona was hoping to have Cordelia identify the new Supreme so she could kill her. But Cordelia’s wise has fully weakened Fiona, causing the cancer to eliminate all her hair. Apparently Fiona knew all the time that Cordelia was the Supreme, which is why she was so shitty to her.
Fiona begs Cordelia to kill her with a knife but she won’t do it. Cordelia tells her to embrace the weakness, fear, and incoming death as they hug — for the first time, according to Cordelia — and Fiona seemingly slips out of consciousness for the last time.
LOSER: Fried catfish
Fiona wakes up to the Axeman with some catfish that he’ll fry up for her. Turns out that she’s in the rest of her eternity in a crappy cabin with him forever as part of her deal with him. Or maybe it’s her personal Hell? It’s hard to keep track. Either way, she’ll be miserable forever in the Axeman’s personal heaven while Papa Legba laughs. Well deserved.
Meanwhile, Cordelia has reopened the Robichaux Academy to a whole crop of new girls who’ve seen the news stories and want to learn. She’s a benevolent Supreme and Zoe and Queenie are leaders and Kyle is the new Spaulding everyone is happy except for the dead.
So I guess the reviews from fans so far aren’t too positive — a quick look at the American Horror Story subreddit shows a whole lot of disappointment — but it all seemed pretty appropriate to me. The “bad” characters got what they deserved with Fiona ending up in her own Hell and Madison being buried under the potted plans. Zoe and Kyle can be happy forever, Queenie is getting respect, Delia is making witches into real people. Misty got the shaft a bit but whatever, dude, she got a shawl from Stevie Nicks before she died so she already got her taste of Heaven.
Basically, I’m fine with it. Everything ended in a perfectly mediocre way for a perfectly mediocre season.
Three out of five tuxedos for Kyle for this episode. It answered everything I had, even if it wasn’t a thrill a minute, so hey, good enough.