Bad grammar. Likes the White Sox. Doesn’t know what Northwestern is. Hasn’t heard of the Dead Kennedys. Every woman has her personal list of deal breakers for dateable dudes. The range, can be painstakingly specific (“more than 6 feet tall”), or sort of vague (“nice guy”). Hey, to each her own, but we compiled a list of top deal breakers for the general female population.
Photo credit: M. Pratter, Flickr
7 You take longer to get ready than we do
Do what you need to do: straighten your hair, put on guyliner. Plenty of chicks dig that kind of stuff. We don’t know any of them, but they have to exist. They’re probably at a shitty band’s concert. Or Hot Topic. Or a high school? Whatever. A boy beauty routine shouldn’t surpass a woman’s though. Our routine already takes forever, and we just want to go out already. Have you seen an eyelash curler? It looks like a medieval instrument. And we put it close to our eyeball to make our eyelashes look curlier.
6 You got a B.U.I. — just after getting like, two D.U.I.s
We’re kind of sorry you got pulled over while “tipsy.” What is that, like eight grand down the drain for making a thoughtless decision? Anyway. Twice? Whoa, man. And if you proceed to ride your bike home wasted from a party because you’ve lost your license, and then crash said bike into a parked cop car, just do yourself a favor, and don’t tell anyone you ever want to sleep with about it.
5 You’re obviously threatened by our success
All of the “young single women making more money, men getting all Charlie Brown about it” articles need to stop. What is this, the Golden Age? Do we look like we’re on Quaaludes and have dinner in the oven? Never feel bummed if a potential partner is rakin’ in more cash than your hardworking self. It doesn’t make you less of a man — it increases your likeliness of receiving rad gifts and not grabbing the check at fancy dinners.
4 You’re a dick to our friends
No references to Sex and the City or the Spice Girls will be made here, I promise. One shouldn’t be a douche to the people your girl hangs out with. Simple as that. You don’t have to agree with everything they say and sit there smiling like that cute Japanese dog video we saw on YouTube. Just don’t cause a scene when you start one of your “heated debates.” Openly loathing her friends is not a positive indicator for a great future for you two and getting all riled up when one of her girlfriends denies global warming at a dinner party is embarrassing for everyone involved. We don’t agree with all the crazy shit our friends think, either. We just like to get drunk together and braid each other’s hair.
3 You track our cycles
If you take this point literally, tracking your girlfriend’s menstrual cycle without her knowledge is creepy, controlling, and dare we say, mentally abusive. Metaphorically? You attempting to know more about us is not only the polar opposite of sexy, it’s alarming. Mystery between you and the girl you’re banging can be a good thing.
2 You’re a Man Boy
Please reference 7 Signs That Tell Women You’re A “Man Boy” for this point. Some examples: Unable to perform hygienic duties at casual will, no knowledge on how to do laundry, littering. Gross. Remember, the shiny title of “Beer Pong Champ” tarnishes with time.
1 You abuse puppies
Sadness. We don’t like that. We guess you could probably get with that c-word in the video we saw on YouTube who threw little puppies in the river and evilly giggled about it. Have fun spawning demon babies.