Blazed Movie Reviews: ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’

by 7 years ago
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

20th Century Fox

I can’t smoke pot at home anymore because I have kids and they know what 911 means. So I do it at the movies. This week: Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.

Now this is a perfect movie to see high. I’d bet my entire salary that at least one bong was loaded somewhere in the creative process of this property. The concept of Honest Abe putting on the stovepipe hat and slaying the undead is exactly the kind of thing you come up with when you’re high and forget to write down, thus losing out on millions of dollars. It was originally a novel by Seth Grahame-Smith, a dude who previously wrote books about Spider-Man and porn, and then it got bought by Hollywood and turned into a real live movie.

The deal is that Lincoln was raised from birth to be a slayer of supernatural creatures, using a silver-bladed axe to chop up bloodsuckers across the United States. As he grows up, he discovers a huge conspiracy of vampires behind the slave trade, which prompts the Civil War. Subtle! So, axe in hand, he teams up with an African-American childhood friend to purge the land of Draculas forever.

I liked this movie. It has a lot of violence and fighting and Abraham Lincoln is without argument the best President ever, visually. But I don’t get why movies are so into having things be so monotone colored? Like this whole movie is blue. Everything is blue. Even the Black people are blue. The blood is barely red for some reason. What happened to Technicolor promising us all the colors of the rainbow? Now everything’s blue with a little bit of orange in it.

The weird thing about Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is that the movie is basically over after he becomes President. All the cool stuff happens before then. Also it has Twilight vampires that can go out in the daytime which is really dumb. The whole point of vampires is that they’re night creatures and they control humans to do their bidding in the daytime. Having them able to walk around in the sun is idiotic. They still blow up in huge explosions of blood pretty good, which doesn’t happen in Twilight.

You should get high and see this movie. There’s really no reason not to. All of the kids will be seeing Brave so you can probably smoke up right there in the theater if you’re subtle about it.

Disclaimer: I fixed all the typos and grammar mistakes but left everything else in.

TAGSAbraham LincolnAbraham Lincoln Vampire HunterAbraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter movieAnthony MackieBenjamin Walkerblazed movie reviewsCivil WarDominic CooperhorrorMarton CsokasMary Elizabeth WinsteadMoviespresidentRufus SewellTimur BekmambetovVampires