I can’t smoke pot at home anymore because it makes me want to play Ouija with my kids. So I do it at the movies. This week: There’s a fourth Paranormal Activity movie?
I wasn’t really into the first Paranormal Activity movie. The acting was really stinky and the characters were too stupid to be believable. But the rest of the world disagreed with me and it made like a billion dollars of profit so they set about making more of them. This latest one brings back Katie Featherston, who was the girl with the rack and Satan or whatever in the first one. I guess my big problems with these movies is the same thing that happened with the Blair Witch movies, they tried to connect everything and make it a big “universe” with backstory and sh-t. I just want to be scared when I watch a horror movie. I don’t give a damn if things aren’t logically consistent.
These movies don’t scare me because they’re using the same stupid tricks over and over again. The new trick in this movie is that some of the footage is shot on a webcam. Dude, I’ll be really straight with you guys: I’ve seen scarier things on ChatRoulette. The story sees Katie and her son Robbie moving in next door to a new family who are our POV characters and all Hell breaking loose but I… I didn’t understand what was going on. A kid was Wyatt but wasn’t Wyatt, he was Hunter and then there’s an imaginary kid too and… it’s just kind of a mess. They play Kinect!
Listen, I’m cool with horror movies being incoherent. One of my favorites of all time is The Gate which makes almost no sense but it’s so inventive and unrelenting that you have to go along with it. The problem with the Paranormal Activity movies is that there are so many slow parts that are supposed to “build tension” but instead just give you time to think about how dumb all of these people are.
The other thing is that it’s obviously making room for even more sequels, but not for the U.S. market – there’s a post-credits scene that happens in Mexico, in Spanish. I don’t care! Did you guys watch The River, that TV show made by Oren Peli, the guy who made the first Paranormal Activity? It was a total piece of sh-it, and for the exact same reasons: instead of getting us in the dick with solid scares, it was all about “mythology” and “deeper meaning.” Cut that garbage out. Don’t make any more of these movies.
Disclaimer: I fixed all the typos and grammar mistakes but kept everything else in.