A comprehensive guide to farting around your girlfriend

by 6 years ago

Flickr/the futuristics

It’s a little known fact that the first instance of human laughter was caused by a raw meat fart 50,000 years ago (which was blamed on the Homo Erectus dude sleeping in the corner). Of course, the shockwaves of flatulence still ring strong and true today. And farts are never not funny. But as civilization has advanced, our freedom to expunge gas has diminished.

Nowhere is that more apparent than when guys are in the presence of females. In the caveman days, breaking a mighty wind signified a robust digestive tract, alerting the cave ladies you were in peak condition to produce viable offspring. Not anymore. Now, a relationship is basically just a contest to see who can hold in farts the longest.

Trust is the key to any relationship — specifically, fart trust. It takes months, even years to build up fart trust around your girlfriend. Farting in front of her is a major relationship step — perhaps even the major-est. But working your way to fart freedom can be a double-edged sword. Just know that, you’re not alone. You’re not the first man to embark upon this sometimes-painful, sometimes-smelly, always confusing journey. So we’re here to walk you through the different phases of a relationship and the fart etiquette at each stage, so that you’ll end up neither heartbroken nor fart-broken.

Phase 1: New Relationship, 0-6 months

This is the most painful and most crucial phase, because it’s both the most sexually charged phase but also the part that allows the least amount of flatulent freedom (shocking that those two things correlate). Let out a disgusting toot here, and you could jeopardize everything. So what to do?

– No discussion of farts. You know she knows that you’re doing it, but it is never discussed.

– You start buying Bean-O or Gas-X or some other similarly hyphened product. On the bright side, you can knock out two awkward drugstore purchases with one trip. Plus, the only time you’ll need fart pills is when you need condoms, because this early in the game you don’t want your farts or your sperm getting anywhere near her, so it’s a good problem to have.

– The key during this phase is that you won’t be sleeping together every single night. So if you can just get through a few hours of date night, your colon can deflate like a noxious balloon the second she leaves to go back to her girly life of floral scents and macarons.

– Generally, it’s not that hard to hold in a fart. You just need some time to sneak away every now and then to cropdust the bar patrons or lay a stealth one on the other side of the apartment. When at home, tell her you’re gonna grab a glass of water or go check your email on her computer or something — anything to give you a minute of distance.

– Of course, you’ll have to contend with the occasional sleepover, and those are the biggest danger for fart freedom. Ironic, isn’t it, how in your younger days, sleepovers were a time when farts were exalted? These adult sleepovers are nearly impossible to avoid on the weekends — when you’ve been having extravagant dinners with your date and getting hammered. That night, it’s fine. But then you wake up feeling like your core is a Hindenburg filled with toxic spikes of methane, ready to explode. Oh, the humanity. But you can’t unleash a hungover hot one in bed, or she’ll hear/smell/taste what a pig you really are. So you have to use her bathroom. Just make sure you grabbed matches from the restaurant the night before. And run the faucet. And cough a lot.

– But, ah, what if she has one of those typically tiny girl apartments, where sneaking off to the bathroom means she’ll either hear it, or smell it when you exit, or both? You could cough to cover it up, but that also risks enhancing the fart’s sound. Do you run the faucet? You could, though she’s a girl, so you know she’s privy to that trick. The worst case scenario here is you go to piss, and it’s one of those pees where you can’t start until you squeeze out a quick fart. So there’s no piss to camouflage the sound. This is when we’d advise you to use extreme measures: say that you want to shower. It’s the only sound that can shroud your business. Of course, the huge risk is that she’ll want to JOIN you in the shower, which should be an awesome prospect, but in this scenario only means that she’ll encounter all manner of doom in your wet, steamy, naked shower fart — the most suffocating type of fart. Insist that you need to shower to actually clean yourself, no horseplay, but you’ll be nice and clean for some play time after.

Phase 2: 6-12 months

– You’re getting bolder. You’re in bed, half-awake, and you assume she’s conked out. Too comfy to get up and do it in the bathroom, you let your fart flag fly under the sheets. Basically, you’re trying to “incept” her with your farts.

– You’re in bed, half-awake, and she assumes you’re conked out. She lets one go in her sleep. You never speak of this moment and quickly scrub it from your brain forever.

– You’ve learned to take advantage of the times she goes to the bathroom or across the apartment (probably to fart) by sinking one into her mattress or couch cushions and waving the evidence out the window before she comes back. Whatever you do, sitting on plush surfaces is paramount — if you want to let out a muffled quick-shot on a moment’s notice, you can’t get up off the wooden stool and dart over to her chaise lounge, there’s simply NO TIME.

Phase 3: 12-18 months

Up to this point, all farts have been on account of sleep, drunkenness, or hangover. Now is when shit gets real. The basic, everyday, “no reason other than you exist and because you exist you fart” farts. You’re just chilling on the couch, watching Up All Night. You feel the urge. “Ya know what, fuck it,” you think. You’re too far into this to be embarrassed by some bodily function — you’ve explored every inch of each other’s bodies, you walk around naked in broad daylight. She’s seen all you have to offer. It’s time. At first, she’s a little grossed out, pinching her nose, that sort of thing. But deep down she finds it endearing in that sexual fitness-caveman way. But that’s only because she has yet to really smell/hear all you have to offer. She doesn’t even know it, but you’re giving her gradual immersion therapy, soon enough she’ll be assimilated.

– The key is gradual! Celebrate it too much, and she’ll get annoyed. Don’t try to blast the doors off the hinges, hold back. Pull it off delicately, and eventually she’ll think it’s funny.

Phase 4: 18-24 months

– You know when a thing is funny, but then it keeps going and stops being funny? That’s where she is with your flatulence. She realizes if you’re awake and talking to her, it means you’ve either just farted, are currently farting, or have a fart brewing. “I am, therefore I fart.” Other than Phase 1, this is the riskiest time for your relationship. Pull back and start using your old methods again.

Phase 5: 24-30 months

– She has been pummeled into submission, your farts are now an accepted part of your persona. It’s WHO YOU ARE, dammit. You can’t change the way you look, the sound of your voice, and the methane-heavy gas your intestines produce. All good, right? WRONG. If true love is when you can fart comfortably in front of your girlfriend, then the relationship’s low point comes next, when your girlfriend can fart comfortably in front of you. You immediately regret opening the Phase 3 floodgates. This is the make-or-break point of the relationship. Is your attraction to her so strong, your connection so emotional, that you don’t mind when warm, nostril-singing air is audibly excreted from her anus? Then THAT is true love. That’s once-in-a-lifetime fairy tale shit. Lock it up.

Phase 6: 30 months – The Final Fart

– Both parties are just completely fast-and-loose with the flatulence, for the remainder of the relationship’s existence. You’ve taken the red pill, there’s simply no going back to the quaint pre-fart times. Farts have been wiped of all affect: they’re neither funny nor gross. Now, they just ARE. They’re a thing that happens that you don’t think about, like sneezing, or breathing, or drinking water when you’re thirsty.

– With nothing but a lifetime of togetherness ahead of you, you can finally carve out some time to broach the subject of pooping.

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