They’re going to make a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie. This is not a joke. I repeat: this is not a joke. Toy company Hasbro’s ventures into the movie world have been one of the leading causes of awful films for the last five or six years – in addition to the loud and idiotic Transformers movies, they also brought us Battleship, which would have been one of the summer’s biggest bombs in a world where John Carter didn’t exist. Amazingly enough, studios just haven’t learned their lesson, and now there’s three more movies based on Hasbro toys menacing our world.
The Hollywood Reporter has the news that production company Emmett/Furla has signed a deal with Hasbro to produce three new projects. The first is the long-languishing Monopoly movie, which has been in development since at least 2008, when Ridley Scott was announced to direct it for Universal. Something tells me that isn’t happening now. The second is Action Man, which is what they called G.I. Joe in England. And the third? Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Okay, seriously? Let’s take a reality check here. Nobody on Earth is hyped for a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie unless it’s a blood-soaked hard R gorefest like Piranha 3D. And there’s no way in Hell that a movie like that will ever be made in the risk-averse studio culture of 2012. So what is even the point? To crap out another bargain-basement CGI hack job with B-list actors that only kids will be dumb enough to go see? Today’s kids don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos. They look at pornography on their iPads and believe in sex ghosts. Why doesn’t Hasbro make a board game about that.