I know it might be hard to believe in this desolate post-Twilight world of ours, but once upon a time vampires were considered cool, the ultimate creatures of the night. But were they really? I say no. Indeed, even before the Cullen family sparkled their way into the hearts of teenage girls and lonely cat ladies everywhere, the vampire world was littered with the pathetic and the lame, undead wusses more likely to listen to Morrissey and complain about their ex-girlfriends then to actually make with the people eating. But which of these sad-sacks was the worst of them all? Well, that’s what we’re here to find out, and with that in mind, here are the nine lamest vampires of them all.
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9 Barnabas Collins – ‘Dark Shadows’
I’m not talking the Barnabas Collins from the original Dark Shadows. I’m talking about the eccentric Johnny Depp version aka the same character Johnny Depp plays in 80% of his movies these days. This version of Barnabas owed more to Willy Wonka than to Vlad the Impaler and instead of sucking blood he just, well, he just sucked. He was closer to a hipster than a vampire. Then again, to be honest, what is a vampire if not a hipster – they sleep all day and wear weird shit like capes and crushed velvet and they’re overly pale and have esoteric food allergies. So maybe Johnny Depp nailed the spirit of the vampire after all. Still, that didn’t stop his version of Barnabas Collins from being really, really lame.
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8 Louis de Pointe du Loc – ‘Interview With The Vampire’
This dude may just be the saddest bastard in history. Instead of reveling in his vampire ways he gets involved in a bitchy codependent relationship with Lestat (whose character is the closest Tom Cruise has ever come to coming out of the closet by the way), spends most of his time whining about his life to a twelve year-old Kirsten Dunst and the rest of it eating rats and poodles and moaning about how he’s a monster. Boo hoo hoo. I mean, there’s depressed and then there’s hanging around in the shadows for 200 years contemplating the meaningless of existence and sneaking into theaters just to watch movies of the sun rising. Jesus, take a couple of days off. Eat a lawyer or a banker or something. See a therapist. Just stop whining already.
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7 The Master – ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’
This guy lives in a subterranean sewer cave where he’s trapped by some stupid spell, he spends most of his time making bitchy wisecracks like Joan Rivers and he looks like, well, he looks like Joan Rivers. And instead of just rolling with it – you know, making the best of a bad situation and all that – he decides to spend the rest of his time coming up with stupid schemes and ways to terrorize a teenage girl. And then when he finally does figure out a way to escape, he just gets his ass kicked and is turned into a pile of bones and dust. Besides… “The Master?” What kind of name is that? It sounds like the name of some leather freak on Craigslist or something who’s way too into the S&M scene. Oh well, at least he wasn’t killed by a bunch of dorky teenagers or anything. Oh wait…
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6 Kraven – ‘Underworld’
This idiot looks less like a vampire and more like the third lead on some late-night soap opera on The CW. (Which I guess is how all vampires look these days, but still…) He spends half of his time pining after Kate Beckinsale (then again, who can blame him?) and she spends all of her time shutting him down before finally kicking his ass after he refuses to take a hint. And instead of using his vampire powers like a boss he wastes his life acting like a petty gangster and plotting for control of… of… I don’t know, vampire congress or something. He’s basically like a shittier, slimier John Boehner and how awful an image is that? I mean, come on, this is a dude who shoots his enemies. With a gun. He’s a vampire. What in the hell does he need a gun for?
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5 Count Chocula – Uh, From Your Cupboard
I know he’s supposed to be a vampire, but Count Chocula looks more like John Kerry if John Kerry was somebody’s gay uncle. For god’s sake, the dude is even addicted to chocolate. Now, none of that is what makes him lame – well, the resemblance to John Kerry is nothing to be proud of, but what really makes Count Chocula lame is that he sold out his vampire ideals in order to hawk a children’s cereal. Instead of keeping company with the darkest creatures of hell his social circle includes the Trix Rabbit and Cap’n Crunch. I can’t even imagine the shame his sire feels. He turned you for this? So you could make a few bucks off of childhood obesity? Despicable.
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4 Count Dracula – ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’
Wait… Count Dracula? Really? Yes, really. Consider the facts – once a legendary badass, renowned for impaling people and then watching as they slowly died in agony, Dracula ends up throwing a hissy fit in church after his wife dies and gets eternally punished by God. Whoops! Then he spends the next several hundred years hiding in his backwoods castle, occasionally terrorizing the local hicks and communing with rats and bats, before he falls in love again and ends up stalking some poor girl like a lovelorn fool. Some badass! His only friend is an insane geek who’s obsessed with eating spiders and for god’s sake, the dude wears a cape and makes the locals call him “Count.” He’s basically no different than 90% of the residents of Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
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3 The Count – ‘Sesame Street’
This poor fool is just sad. He’s lives in an old cobweb-filled castle, only occasionally popping out to harass a bunch of little kids and their puppets, and to make matters worse he obviously has a severe case of OCD. It’s just hour after hour of senseless counting. He probably has 17 cats and keeps his urine in old pickle jars because he thinks it will be worth something someday. Even that addict The Cookie Monster has a more fulfilling and functional life than The Count. At least he gets out once in a while. The Count just lives in his own fetid misery, counting the days until one of those kids mercifully drives a stake through his heart.
Photo credit: YouTube/Sesame Street
2 Anyone Suffering From “Renfield Syndrome” – Outside Your Local Hot Topic
Yes, these people actually exist. The official term is “clinical vampirism.” but it is more commonly known as “Renfield Syndrome,” fittingly named for Dracula’s lame-ass sidekick. It describes all those freaks and wannabes who either pretend that they’re vampires or, worse, those who actually believe it. The former are just idiots and can be safely laughed at as they sit outside the mall in their mascara and black leather ensemble but the latter are truly fucked up. They’re not just poseurs, but people with a real sickness. They cut themselves and attack others, driven by an overwhelming need for blood. Yes, these people actually exist. I’m not sure which is worse, the fake Renfields or the psychotics, but I think we can all agree that they are all super, super lame “vampires.”
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1 Edward Cullen – ‘Twilight’
Come on, like anybody else could be number one. This dude has it all. He’s as moody and self-loathing as either Louis or Dracula at their worst, like The Master he spends most of his time stalking and obsessing over a teenage girl, he never actually does anything cool, kind of like Kraven, and like The Count, he is mentally ill. How else do you describe someone who spends half his time stalking deer and rabbits in the forest like some sort of demented, pathetic Euell Gibbons (look it up, slackers)? And oh yeah, he actually sparkles in the sunlight. The dude sparkles! The dude actually makes Taylor Lautner look like a badass – well, not really but at least that idiot gets to turn into a wolf and presumably eat people in between his pining for the most boring girl in the world. Edward just sparkles and climbs trees and watches her while she sleeps. At best he’s slightly autistic. At worst he’s an incredibly creepy weirdo and also possibly a sex offender (What is he, like 100? And she’s, what… 16, 17 tops?) Whatever the case, I think we can all agree that he’s by far the lamest vampire of them all.
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