8 of the most unintentionally creepy movie relationships

Most movie relationships are pretty unrealistic, and while some are merely implausible fantasies, there are a few that go that extra mile and take a left turn onto creepy street. These are the movie relationships that make you cringe if you stop to think about them for more than a couple of seconds. They’re not meant to be creepy and that somehow makes them even creepier because it means some writer thought these were actually romantic and all that Hallmark Card nonsense instead of, well, weird as hell. Indeed, instead of being paragons of romantic bliss, the following couples are eight of the unintentionally creepiest movie romances of them all.

Photo credit: YouTube/20th Century Fox

8 ‘Twilight’ – Edward and Bella

The Synopsis: Vampire Edward meets teenage Bella, stalks the shit out of her, ruins her life completely and that somehow = love? I don’t even know what in the…

Why It’s Creepy: Well, aside from the fact that he stalks her, there’s this – Edward is over 100 years old and even though he looks like a mildly retarded high school senior (albeit one that’s been left back a year or two or six) he’s an old, old man. And Bella? Yeah, she’s 17. Somehow I doubt the ladies would be swooning over this drivel if Edward looked his age and rolled up on Bella in a white van with a wheelchair lift and a bag of Werther’s Originals in his wrinkly old hands. Also, he has eaten people. So, to sum up, we have a geriatric stalker who has killed and eaten human beings creeping on a teenage girl. How in the hell is this not creepy?

Photo credit: YouTube/Summit Entertainment

7 ‘Avatar’ – Jake and Neytiri

The Synopsis: Crippled soldier Jake hitches a ride to an alien world where he is given an “avatar” of one of the native aliens, which allows him to blend in with them in order to gain their trust and then steal their land. Along the way he falls in love with Neytiri, a giant seven foot tall blue alien.

Why It’s Creepy: Well, they are two completely different species. Would it be okay if Jake boned down with a dog just because he got a scientist to make him look like one? Okay, that’s not entirely fair because a dog is just a dumb animal and Neytiri was an intelligent alien. But it still would be messed up if it was a super-intelligent dog, right? I mean, dolphins are smart too and would people be cool if Jake stuck his dong in the blowhole of Flipper? Probably not. I apologize to any Na’vi reading this for reducing their species to animals. I understand they are a proud people.

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6 ‘Sixteen Candles’ – Farmer Ted and Caroline

The Synopsis: Farmer Ted is a huge geek and a serial pervert/stalker who longs to be one of the cool kids and Caroline is the queen bee girlfriend of alpha jock Jake Ryan. Jake gets sick of her and pawns off a blackout drunk Caroline on Farmer Ted who drives her around all night, takes pictures of her, does god only knows what and then the next morning they wake up next to each other, realize they probably boned and somehow this is all okay and she’s into it. Uh…

Why It’s Creepy: Well, you see, there are laws against this sort of thing and the ladies generally don’t like being raped. First Lewis rapes Betty in the moon room in Revenge of the Nerds and now this? Man, the ‘80s were pretty messed up.

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5 ‘Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back’ – Luke and Leia

The Synopsis: Okay, they weren’t technically a couple, but we all remember that one scene where she’s trying to make Han jealous and so she makes out with Luke and Luke is all “Awww yeaaaahhh” like he’s a boss and not some degenerate weirdo who just frenched his own sister.

Why It’s Creepy: Uh, because they’re brother and sister? Okay, okay, fine, they didn’t know they were brother and sister yet, but George Lucas sure as hell did and he went ahead with the scene anyway. And when you realize that, doesn’t the whole thing become that much creepier?

Photo credit: YouTube/20th Century Fox

4 ‘Forrest Gump’ – Jenny and Forrest

The Synopsis: Dimwit Forrest has a thing for Jenny his whole life but she gives him the stiff-arm until her life goes to hell, she gets AIDS and, oops, oh yeah, they have a son because in a moment of weakness she let him get all up on that.

Why It’s Creepy: Because Forrest is retarded and essentially has the brain capacity of a dumb child. Sure, he’s a grown man but there’s still something really, really creepy about humping a dude who probably cries every time somebody tries to touch his ears. And let’s not forget that Jenny knows all of this about Forrest better than anyone else on Earth. It’s not like she just doesn’t get it. She does and she did it anyway.

Photo credit: YouTube/Paramount Pictures

3 ‘Splash’ – Allen and Madison

The Synopsis: Tom Hanks plays a sad-sack who can’t find love until he meets a beautiful woman who just so happens to be a Mermaid.

Why It’s Creepy: She’s part fish. Remember what I said about Jake boning Flipper in the Avatar section? Yeah, well, that’s actually the plot of this movie. Sure, she looks like a beautiful woman when she’s on land, but any time they want to go to the city pool her legs will turn to flippers. Also, even before he learns that she is part fish, consider this: when Madison first shows up, she is found wandering nude by the cops so they take her in and give Allen a call, since the one thing she does have is Allen’s wallet and address due to some earlier hijinks. Naturally, Allen comes and collects this seemingly retarded mute and promptly takes her home and bangs her. Because that’s just the sort of heinous shit they did in the ‘80s, I guess.

Photo credit: YouTube/Buena Vista Pictures

2 ‘The Lion King’ – Simba and Nala

The Synopsis: Simba, proud favorite son of the pride’s dominant male, is tricked by his uncle into thinking he killed his pops and is forced into exile. Eventually, he hooks up with childhood sweetheart Nala and the two do their best to keep the circle of life going. *Cue porno music*

Why It’s Creepy: Okay, this one might take some explaining. In nature, each pride has one dominant male. In this pride’s case it was Mufasa, Simba’s dad. It is the role of this dominant male to serve as a sperm bank for all of the pride’s ladies. You see where I’m going with this yet? No? Okay fine, I’ll keep explaining. Anyway, according to the rules of nature and science – and we are above all scientists here at Guyism – Nala’s father would have to be none other than… Mufasa! Yes, that’s right, Simba bangs his sister. Good wholesome family fun!

Photo credit: YouTube/Walt Disney Pictures

1 ‘Big’ – Josh and Susan

The Synopsis: Young Josh (and when I say young I’m talking 12 just so we’re clear) makes a wish to some weird carnival genie video game thing and that wish is that he becomes a grown up. He wakes up and suddenly finds that he is a little boy in a grown man’s body. He meets adult Susan who is attracted to him and… yeah, I think you see where this one’s headed.

Why It’s Creepy: First off, what is with Tom Hanks and all these creepy-ass movie relationships? I didn’t even notice this was the case until I sat down to write this but he’s involved in three of the top four. I’ll never look at him the same again. Okay, anyway, why is this one in particular so creepy? HE’S A 12 YEAR OLD BOY. Sure, she didn’t know that but still, come on. Even worse, at the end of the movie when he (spoiler alert) goes back to being just a dumbass kid again she sits in a parked car, wistful, and watches him like she belongs on Dateline. The movie should have ended with Chris Hansen knocking on her car window.

Photo credit: YouTube/20th Century Fox