8 old-fashioned things that need to be updated (or abolished)

by 6 years ago
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kalleboo, Flickr

In a world where we can use our mobile devices to identify constellations, send a rover to Mars, and download a veritable rainbow of pornographic variety at blistering speeds over a wireless connection, we shouldn't have to deal with antiquated...anything. Let's either update or abolish the following things so we can move toward that sterile, emotionless, technologically-rich future we're all looking forward to. What are some old-fashioned things you can't stand?

Photo credit: kalleboo, Flickr

1993 called and they want their fax machines back. That's not even supposed to be a joke because these things literally belong to 20 years ago and outlived their usefulness a long time ago. If you need to send a document over the Internet, there should be a tiny USB-attached device just large enough to feed sheets of paper through that will automatically sync to email and comes with a variety of settings, like auto-printing. And for the love of God, NO DIAL-UP NOISE.

Why do books debut in hardcover at far higher prices than their subsequent paperback counterparts? Does it make us feel special to own a hardcover or smarter to read from one? Honestly, everything should be paperback, even text books. Just make the spine of the book sturdier with a better adhesive and a higher-quality paper/cardboard hybrid. Also, having a paperback Bible would be one of the most awesomely secular achievements of our lifetime. For some reason, though, I still think the Kama Sutra should remain hardcover.

Libraries are creepy, old-fashioned institutions that primarily provide physical media which can all just be viewed on a screen via the Internet, anyway. If there's anything left for librarians to do, it's to identify, catalog, transfer and upload every bit of analog information to the digital world. At Cornell University, supposedly the library is so rarely used and empty that when people want to have sex, that's where they go so they aren't disturbed. For me, every time I walk into a library I can feel the air rush out of my lungs as my soul dies. And don't libraries feel really haunted (and not in the fun Ghostbusters way, either)?

Do you like waking up with your spine shaped like a question mark? How about getting pitched onto the hard earth below at the slightest change of weight distribution? If so, you'll love hammocks! These need to be way easier to set up, get into and out of and have sex in without the threat of injury.

Gas prices, Middle East, supply & demand, blah blah blah, I don't care. At this point, cars are basically running on the same stuff they did when Mr. Ford put out the Model T in 1908. C'mon, even the year 2008 sounds old-fashioned to us by now. The Internet should power your automobile. Okay, maybe that's far-fetched, but what isn't is replacing every gas station with a cleaner, cheaper electronic charging station and having all cars built to use less and less gas until they're all completely electric. And worse comes to worst, if you run out of charge you can just chuck a potato in that bad boy.

Say you're going to a work meeting; you have a laptop to run a Powerpoint presentation, a projector to display it and a phone to conference in everyone who isn't on-site. You have to plug everything into a power source, into each other and plug in even more wires for Internet and phone connections as well. If you had a birds-eye view, it'd either look like a spider web made by Sheelob herself or one of those Family Circus comics that shows the trail of destruction those kid's left after they ran amok.

Wireless everything, admittedly, is a long ways off. So in the meantime, every plug from USB to AC should all have a single form-factor, worldwide. If voltage needs to be converted, it does it. If it needs to act as a charger, it does it. If I want to charge my body with electricity so I can become a superhero, it does it. That's not possible? Damn, technology....why can't you keep up with my every want and need!

Actually, let's go with anything that needs double-A, C, D or 9-Volts as well. Everything should be able to be recharged...the remote control, video game controllers, that industrial-sized "massage applicator," everything. I don't want to have to go into Radio Shack (which, coincidentally should also be put out of its misery) for batteries ever again.

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