It’s the middle of winter. And while that might not be a big deal to those of you who live in parts of the country where the sun never stops shining, for the rest of us that means that it’s dark, it’s gloomy and it’s cold. In the flyover states, that means your entertainment options are pretty limited. You can either get pants-pissingly drunk or… pants-pissingly drunk. Or if you live in the Dakotas, you can also make sweet, sweet love to farm animals. But since I can’t really get away with an article about the best ways to please your livestock lover – we’re not ready for that as a country, I suppose – I guess we’re down to talking about getting drunk. Fortunately, we here at Guyism are experts on the art of boozing our way through this strange and terrible journey called life, and as a result, we bring you this: the 20 stages of a drunken night out.
Photo credit: FlackJacket2010, Flickr
20 Dipping Your Toe into the Water
It’s still early in the evening and you’re not quite sure how far you want to take this yet. You’re willing to have a drink or two and see where that leads. You have to get up the next day for school or work and you don’t really want to be hung-over. But what the hell, it’s just a few drinks, right? What can it hurt?
19 Hey, This is Fun!
You’ve got a drink or two in you and man, everything is relaxed. You’re joking around with your friends, you’ve been flirting with that girl across the room, and this is going to be a good night. You can just feel it. Might as well have another drink, right?
18 Let’s Dance
Alright, this is good. You’ve got a few drinks in you now, your face is starting to feel a little numb, your nose is all fuzzy and you’re not quite sure what happened to your friends but you just talked to that girl from across the room and now she wants to dance. And hey, that’s cool. You can’t really dance but so what? Maybe if you have another drink, you’ll loosen up even more and then you’re inner Chris Brown – minus the lady beating naturally – can be unleashed on the world!
17 Oh My God, I’m the Smartest Man Alive!
You’ve danced for a while and she must have loved it because she couldn’t stop laughing. But you need a break and another drink before this buzz wears off and you turn back into the same old boring doofus you normally are. So you’ve settled in, met back up with your friends and a few random strangers and man, your ideas are just the best. Everything that comes out of your mouth is genius. You can tell because everyone else has the same dazed smile on their face while they nod their heads in agreement. Wait, can they hear you over the music? It doesn’t matter. Get another drink because that will make you even smarter.
16 Let’s Dance Some More!
Man, you’re the best dancer alive! You can tell by the way everyone else is giving you a ton of room and by the way all the ladies are pointing and laughing. They’re loving it, dude!
You can’t dance anymore. Sure, some might say that it’s because you’re incapable of even walking straight right now, but you know it’s just because you don’t have anything left to prove. So now, you and some old friends are catching up, talking about that one time, and hey, what about that other time with the thing? And of course who can forget that day when that girl did that thing and you lost your pants? Oh man, those were the days. You should have another drink and reflect on them some more.
14 I’m Just Going to Sit Here and Nod Along While My Friends Talk
This is a good conversation but you’re a little worried now. You’ve been slurring all your words and… wait, is everyone laughing at you? Okay, new game plan. Just sit here and relax for a bit. Maintain, man. Maintain. Maybe you should mingle? No, bad idea. You’ll look like a fool. Besides, you can’t really walk without staggering around, your arms swinging back and forth like a deranged ape. Just smile and nod along. Just smile and nod along. And oh hey, yeah! Of course you’d love another drink!
13 Is That Dude Looking at Me Funny?
Hey! Everyone shut up! You shush your friends and point out that one dude. Yeah, they all know the one even though they say they don’t. It’s that one guy, the one who won’t stop giving you the eye. He thinks he’s better than you, doesn’t he? Well, to hell with him. Wait… were you dancing with his girlfriend earlier? Where is she anyway? Maybe you should get another drink and go look for her.
12 Who are All These People?
Wait, what were you doing? Oh yeah, you were going to look for that girl. Instead, you’ve found yourself in the middle of a bunch of strangers. You’re laughing at their jokes and oh my god, this one dude is friggin’ hilarious! He wants to buy you a drink. Hell yeah!
11 Your New Best Friend
Oh man, this guy is the best. Yes, of course you should do it again next week and yes, it is completely logical that you are talking about renting that house with him and two of his buddies because next year is going to be amazing! Wait, was this same guy you wanted to fight earlier? It doesn’t matter. Let’s never stop drinking!
10 Silent Reflection
Keep drinking, smoke cigarettes, maintain. Keep drinking, smoke cigarettes, maintain. Keep drinking, smoke cigarettes, maintain. Stare straight ahead, stare straight ahead, stare straight ahead and nod your head when that girl from earlier asks you if you’re okay. Puke in the bushes and keep nodding. Keep drinking, smoke cigarettes, maintain. Keep drinking, smoke…
9 Whose Basement is This?
You don’t know how you got here but someone just handed you a beer bong and people are chanting your name. Oh well, might as well drink.
8 Wait… Whose Tongue is That?
Just close your eyes and go with it, dude, and hope you aren’t making out with the dog.
7 I’m Such a Screw-up
Why do you always have to over-do it? You’re going to miss class tomorrow or get fired and then you’ll end up living in a box on the street and no one will love you and *pause to vomit* wait, you just need to push through. The best way to avoid a hangover is to never quit drinking. You can do this!
6 Oh My God, is That the Sun?
Why are you wearing a skirt? Are you drinking gasoline now?
5 Zombie Breakfast
You just need to get some food inside of you, get home and take a quick shower before you go to class/work. This will settle your stomach. Sure, you’re just going to vomit it all back up and you look like an extra from a zombie flick, but you can do this! Just keep your head down and no one will know any better.
4 Pass Out
3 Wake Up
Where are you? How did you get here? Why does it taste like two hobos just had dirty, sweaty sex in your mouth? Where are your pants? So many questions.
2 The Walk of Shame
Just keep trudging along. You’ll make it home eventually, where your nice comfortable bed is waiting for you along with an irate message from your boss on your voice mail. You can worry about all those dicks drawn in permanent marker on your face later.
Okay, so you drank a bit too much. A more hysterical man might say he’s never drinking again but you’re a professional. You understand that the key is moderation and next time, surely, you’ll just have a couple of drinks, have a few laughs and see where it leads. After all, you’re a responsible adult. Right? Here, have a drink.