As these red hot summer months roll into the cooler shades of autumn, Americans have much to look forward to. For example: The new iPhone will come out, opening a brief gap where you can look more impressive than your friend. Mitt Romney will win a couple of states in the general election, thus allowing him to have his first orgasm. And dressing up as Michael Jackson will, for this one time per year, become acceptable. But guys, well, guys have some particularly special things to look forward to. Read on to find out what they are.
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For all of us who don’t enjoy carrying a travel-container of baby powder around with us, cooler conditions have their benefits, like, say, not having to douse your lower half every few blocks to prevent severe physical trauma. For those who do enjoy carrying baby powder around, you likely are a father infant, in which case you are not on the correct Web site and should go take care of your family.
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Say what you will about competitive eating’s flourishing summer season, but most of the real sports begin in the autumn months. From football, to college football, to high school football, to small-green-ball-and-racket football, almost all important feats of athleticism occur during this sweet spot of time. Heck, they even have a kind of football played with a bat now! Truly a sign of America’s continuing ingenuity.
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For once, during this brief span of four months, America will cease to be either A) constantly on fire or B) frozen in some sort of dystopian ice age. Come those glorious first days of autumn, you’ll no longer have to awaken to a strange, man-shaped imprint of sweat on your bed—that is, unless a fat stranger is breaking in and sleeping in your bed during the day. In which case you have bigger problems!
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That’s My Boy, American Reunion, Battleship — years from now we will unquestionably look back on these films as the high watermark of cinema. But while these Chekhovian masterpieces have filled this summer with poignancy and poise, it might be time for something that doesn’t feature pedophilia, shitting in a beer cooler, or a board game come to life as one of its central conceits. For example: Daniel Day Lewis playing Abraham Lincoln, directed by Steven Spielberg, with lines by Tony Kushner — better or worse than Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter? That’s what’s called a “rhetorical question.”
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The sheer wonder of eating with the decadence of the Twelve Caesars should be enough to balance out the awkward horror of reuniting with your family. If that won’t do, just have a few drinks…and a Sudafed…and another few drinks…and a fluid ounce of ether… and…
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Nothing makes you feel like you’re in a Calvin and Hobbes comic more than the rustle of multicolored leaves tumbling from the sky, jumping into your neighbor’s immaculately groomed leave pile, getting arrested for doing so naked, and then breaking out of the police car and running into the nearest Denny’s. Innocent boyhood revelry at its best. Bill Watterson would be proud.
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For a while during the heart of summer, you could kid yourself that you were going to exercise every day, cut out fast food, and generally be a decent human being for once, but when that first frost falls there are more important concerns. Namely, survival. Nature is out there trying to mess you up, and the only way to fight back is by eating, sleeping, and generally throwing out the manual on being a contributing member of society. Be careful: If instead of eating that fourth Doritos Cool Ranch taco you go out into the blustery day, you might get caught in a snow drift or die of frostbite…or something…
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