Not all concerts are alike; they're held in auditoriums, theaters, stadiums, arenas, clubs, dance halls, amphitheaters and bars. And at them, you can hear every type of genre from ambient lol-core, experimental sad-core and Scandinavian frat jazz to situational breakout gospel, Sri Lankan breakfast rap and freestyle klezmer. But one thing that you'll consistently find amongst concert goers are the crazy people that piss us all off when we're just trying to have a nice time seeing the show. I dare you to think of a single rock concert you've been to that didn't have at least one of these types of people doing their damnedest to ruin shit for everyone else.
Nowhere else is the over protective boyfriend more over protective than in a live music setting. All around people are pushing and jostling, being rowdy and drunk and yet he and his chicklet still choose to set up camp in the most crowded part of the entire venue: up against barricade. Realizing the mistake, he'll try to encompass her body in a cocoon of boyfriendian security and tragically suffocate her in the process.
It's a whale, it's a sumo wrestler! Wait, nope; it's just a fat chick who's about to crush you as she launches herself off the stage. There's a weight limit for roller coasters and those have built in safety features. But at concerts, there's nothing to save you from certain, fatty death. My suggestion? Signage that says "You Must Be This Slim to Crowd Surf". Or better yet...
"No Crowd Surfing At All."
Some people practically live out of bags that they keep on their person. Examples of this are women with huge purses, homeless people and of course, dudes (and occasional dudettes) that show up to concerts with enormous, bulging backpacks. The issue isn't so much the extra space they take up, but the blatant disregard they have for other's space. Do us a favor and leave your backpack at coat check lest you leave another JanSport imprint on some poor kid's forehead as you knock them over.
Technically, I guess she'd be referred to as a groupie. But seriously, this chick doesn't give a crap about music. She's here to get drunk, do an "accidental" nipple slip and find a band member (or a guitar tech if she has too much competition) to do the damn thing with on the tour bus so she can have some short-lived validity in her life.
For some reason, it's always the person you want to take their top off the least that does it (unless you're at some hippie outdoor festival and it's some chick who felt like painting her boobs rainbow colors would de-slut the whole nudity situation, of course.) You're going to try to avoid contact with this woolly bastard as much as you can, but somehow his body hair and excess moisture will find you and haunt your dreams until you've showered your top layer of skin off.
Moshing is an expressive thing, an art form if you will. But, it expresses aggression and love (a dangerous and woefully misunderstood combination) more often than anything else. So, there's a fine line between thrashing about and causing as much damage to everyone around you as possible. That shit's just not cool, man. And to be fair, there are girls who do this as well. That shit's not cool chica.
Some security guards are cool as hell; they'll pour water into thirsty mouths, keep whoever they can safe and break up stupid fights. Others act like each person at the show is their mortal enemy and that they're the sheriff of the wild fucking west, meant to keep order by whatever means necessary including excessive force and generally being an all-around dick.
Hey, Hot Topic called and they want their - oh wait this is a terrible joke. You may not see someone dressed like this at every type of concert, but if you're going to see any band that uses distortion on their guitars the majority of the time, then there's a good chance someone will be wearing clothing that seems dangerous to brush against. Save that outfit for never.
I spelled that in the most pretentious (and British) way possible just to make a point. Go me. These will consists of the scenesters that tailgate before the show, leave to smoke cigarettes during and then seek out band members (because they're infatuated with their fame and power) afterward.
The problem here is that they'll kill you dead in the process. Some people have no regard for their own safety and while that can make for some pretty awesome still shots of them catapulting themselves to certain paralysis or death, it's just not cool to involve innocent bystanders in that type of tomfoolery.