Oh, come on. You know you’re curious. Even if you give yourself a pat on the back each time you roll out of the sack, every good soul could use the occasional pointer on how to get a girl to climax. And if you don’t give a damn or aren’t curious in the slightest bit, you can always go back to dating your hand and saving your sandwich-artisan-made money on a sex doll. I hear they’re pretty realistic and just as bored in bed now.
Photo credit: VictorPopescu, Flickr
7 Get rid of distractions
Note: We’re not telling you how to “set the mood.” That reminds us that some men make Sexytime Playlists and believe rose petals and a plethora of candles are inherently seductive. Don’t try too hard (unless you’ve f-cked up). Just turn off your TV, verify no roommate is due to interfere, and put you panting, voyeuristic dog in another room. For a lot of women, getting off is about being attuned to your body—which is sort of difficult when we hear Snookie drunkenly starting a catfight or the Twins hitting a double-homerun in the eighth inning.
6 Talk dirty
Try to steer away from “I want to (blank) your (blank).” That is just straight up vulgar. “I’d like to (blank) your beautiful (blank) while softly squeezing your (blank),” is sexily vulgar. And it’s kind of making me hot. Getting the muster to talk dirty may be a little trying at first. But the point is to get her mind stimulated, and then her body. Just gauge her reaction and have fun. Hooray for imagination!
5 Worship her body
Reminding the woman you’re with that she’s smokin’ is always a fantastic idea. Let’s not get into the fact that way too many men and women have a totally f-cked up relationship with how we perceive our bodies (and compare them to Kleenex-eating models) and just sum this point up with one easy equation: More body confidence = more confidence to try that thing with my hips = more fun for me and you.
4 Take your time—But not too much time
You know how much I wanted to avoid saying, “FOREPLAY, FOREPLAY F-CKHEADS!” in this article? A lot. Alas, I am muffling my instinct like a decent human being. I will instead approach this subject from the Settle Down approach. I know you’re super stoked to get your rocks of and all. But just take ten minutes to settle down. How you spend this time, well, I guess that’s up to you. Think about baseball. Thanksgiving dinner with the whole fam. Natural disasters (my personal favorite). Or, you know, just enjoy the woman who you’re with and ensure she’s having a good time, too.
Of course, you don’t want to be necessarily be going through this routine for the next four hours. According to my talking-to-random-women-while-intoxicated-consensus, marathon runs aren’t always favored. Pace yourself, kid. By that, we mean get her off, then stop thinking about how the time you took 4-year-old ‘shrooms.
3 Check in
A simple, “Do you like that?” will suffice. Odds are, she’s not going to say no. However, she may direct you in a slightly different direction. “Yup, just over there. A little bit more…” Suck up your ego, and take a minute of your precious, Kottonmouth King-listening time to take her lead. Plus, hearing her moan, “Yes,” is the ultimate personal high-five. It will induce perverse smiles during, and walking tall for a minimum of two days, afterwards.
2 Recognize that every woman is different
It’s like the second you figure out what one girl digs, you get with another one. Life is so difficult, I know. Apply the Settle Down technique, and utilize your free moments play. We know you got the “Yes!” before—and then proceeded to use that method, or a variation of, with that woman during every following hook up. Your mom was totally right, though—you’re special. And so is this chick. So again suck up your ego, and know it’ll take more than five minutes to get to know your new “friend.”
1 Don’t be a selfish bastard
Anatomy lesson time! Orgasm from penetration takes a lot of work. (G-spot: Google it.) You have to remember angle measurements and height of available items to prop under her ass. Keep it simple. (Clitoris: Google it.) I know you want to be the first guy to discover an alternative method, but hey, just give it up. Know that getting a girl off involves actually thinking about her and has a variety of benefits including the actual act feeling better, laughing hysterically, and mad street cred.