The common euphemism used when describing the male motivation is that, “men often think with the wrong head.” This is true. The fact that we use the one between our shoulders for even one percent of our daily activities is both shocking and ineffective. But it’s a necessary evil, as the big head is the one that does all of the horizontal mambo planning. Guys have an agenda, and women know that, hence the god-awful things they put them through to get a chance at the pussy palace. Here are the seven worst things a man will tolerate if he thinks it will help him get laid.
Photo credit: somegeekintn, Flickr
There’s rule of thumb and then there’s rule of arm: a dog isn’t a dog if it isn’t longer than the space between your fingertips and elbow. A man will only own one of those designer poop factories because he knows women are drawn to them in the same way that they’re drawn to purses. If you’ve ever seen a guy walking down the street carrying a small dog, its stumpy legs appearing like Lego heads, you’ll notice that the guy is thinking to himself, “this dog better get me laid soon or I’m turning him into a vest.”
Photo credit: waferboard, Flickr
Have you ever watched an episode of any one of the countless dancing shows on television? It’s basically a bunch of guys thrusting their hips, dry humping the woman’s tanned thighs, in hopes of getting to remove the fabric that is harnessing their impending boners. Men don’t like dancing, but it’s the closest thing to having sex that doesn’t involve a “solo.”
Photo credit: IammRicky, Flickr
Linens and Things is the third base coach if we were to use the base system when describing sex. There you are, laboring as you round the bases, and there he is giving you the stop sign in a store that is appealing as getting plunked in your dick hole by a Randy Johnson fastball. But you’re so committed that you’re then forced to stand there as the girl you’ve been dreaming about fornicating with, paws at cotton linens and duvet covers.
Photo credit: Daquella manera, Flickr
Here’s a fun fact from the world of pornography: they show male performers scenes from Sandra Bullock movies to prevent them from climaxing prematurely. Conversely, men who don’t make their living spinning splooge have to endure the same performances for a chance of releasing their cum-coated kraxen as quickly as possible. No matter how many times they say it, The Blind Side is not a sports movie; it’s merely a tortuous sexual odyssey.
Photo credit: Made in Hollywood, Flickr
As soon as a woman mentions “you’d look good in a turtleneck,” what you should really be hearing is, “wear this turtleneck and maybe I’ll go all turtleneck on your johnson.” Shopping for clothes is one thing. Being instructed to wear a certain article for a specific event is a whole different sadistic sexual test.
Photo credit: jessleecuizon, Flickr
The WNBA has absolutely no redeeming qualities. While other female sports promote top-notch execution and athletes, televised WNBA games look like when a bird gets inside a house and people frantically try to get it out with a broom. It’s sloppy, slow and embarrassing. If you’re willing to sit through an ENTIRE WNBA game for the sake of having your sexless streak end like a shot clock, I salute you.
Photo credit: otakuchick, Flickr
There’s nothing weirder than meeting a girl’s parents for the first time. There’s mom and dad staring at you, as you lustfuly stare at their daughter, all the while they’re imagining you ramming yourself into a body part that they used to refer to as a tushy on their baby girl. Of all things to have to endure for a chance at some action, this is by far the worst.
Photo credit: freakapotimus, Flickr
(Previously published on November 14, 2011.)