8 of the worst fictional Presidents

by 6 years ago
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Election season is upon us and that means that we get the honor to be bombarded by ridiculous ads explaining to us why the other guy is an inhuman monster. Joy. But no matter what you see in the coming weeks it will pale in comparison to the “accomplishments” of the lackwits and nincompoops discussed here, for they are the worst of the worst, Presidents so horrible that they could only be the work of fiction, monsters on par with Frankenstein or the Wolfman or Snooki. Still, given our choices, I’m sure you’d at least consider voting for one of them in this election. But just in case you get the urge to write one of them in on the first Tuesday in November, let me remind you why, indeed, they are eight of the worst fictional Presidents of all time.

Photo credit: YouTube/20th Century Fox

Naturally, President Logan was a corrupt and amoral animal more concerned with winning and protecting his own legacy than anything else. This is par for the course when it comes to the jackals we elect to public office. But President Logan made the terrible, terrible mistake of crossing a certain Mr. Jack Bauer, and that you just don’t do. In addition to be a gigantic asshole, Logan was revealed to be behind a catastrophic turn of events which nearly plunged the country into nuclear oblivion (aka pretty much the plot to every season of 24.) Naturally, this led to him being thrown out of office in disgrace, but not before becoming a symbol for everything that we fear about our politicians – that they are all vicious greedheads who will see us murdered if it means gaining some extra campaign juice. Plus, he was a dick to Jack and that’s just not cool.

Photo credit: YouTube/Fox

Don’t blame Homer, he voted for Kodos. No, but seriously (yes I just wrote “but seriously” in a blurb about a cartoon alien who steals the Presidency) Kang was a pretty shitty President. Sure, he instilled a sense of iron discipline in the American public – putting people in chains and whipping them will do that – but there is something slightly undemocratic about enslaving the human race. Call me a bleeding heart if you want but I think it’s wrong to do that. Who knows what kind of utopia we could have had if only Kodos had been elected? But I guess we’ll never know because, unlike Homer, not enough people had the courage to vote for Kodos and instead voted for Kang and his platform of “Chains we can believe in.” (I’m so sorry, that was terrible.)

Photo credit: YouTube/Fox

Sure, President Camacho was a man of the people. He was awesome. No one is disputing that. I mean, the dude was a pornstar and a five time ultimate smackdown wrestling champion. He was like a cooler version of The Rock. But let’s face it, his was an administration that was failing the American people. During his term in office the country was mysteriously stricken by a giant dustbowl. Hell, the man himself even recognized this basic truth in a stirring State of the Union address:

“Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of french fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.”

Sadly, he did not have a solution and it was up to Luke Wilson to solve our nation’s great crisis. President Camacho was a great man. He could ride the hell out of a motorcycle and his arms looked monstrous whenever he fired a machine gun but we have to face facts, the man was simply an ineffective leader, and that’s why he’s on this list.

Photo credit: YouTube/20th Century Fox

Okay, fine, technically Dr. Baltar was never the President of the United States but he was the President of an intergalactic federation modeled on the United States so I’m going to make a judgment call and allow it. And with that said, there can be no arguing with the fact that Baltar was a lousy President. I mean, thanks to his policies, the last remaining human survivors in the galaxy settled on a barren planet and then were quickly conquered and enslaved by Cylons. Sure, Baltar kept his head above water during the fray but only by becoming the figurehead for a collaborationist government that basically ceded all control of his people to a bunch of goddamn robots. Sure, some of those robots looked like Tricia Helfer but that’s no excuse. Then again, if a robot alien looking like that showed up in Washington D.C. circa 1997, Bill Clinton would have taken one look, dropped his pants and we would have been screwed, so maybe we shouldn’t be so hard on Baltar. Still, his policies did nearly result in the extinction of the human race so… yeah, he was a shitty President.

Photo credit: YouTube/SyFy

President Whitmore a failure? Well what else do you call a guy who nearly got the entire human race exterminated? Let’s not forget that before the aliens showed up his approval rating was below 40%. That’s Nixon during Watergate territory right there. Clearly he was already a failure. Then the aliens showed up and Whitmore did… nothing. He just sat back and waited until the aliens annihilated every major American city, killing hundreds of millions of people, and then hauled ass on Air Force One. And how did he finally respond to all that? By nuking the rubble! Yes, in a failed attempt to kill the aliens, Whitmore nuked America and probably killed most of the survivors.

But he also saved the day you say? Not so fast. First he had to rely upon his sworn enemy, a nerdy Jeff Goldblum, to improbably fly up to space with Will Smith and hack the alien computers. Then, back on Earth, Whitmore flew around and uselessly screamed “Doesn’t anyone have any missiles left???” like a hysterical old woman while a drunk Randy Quaid flew a kamikaze mission into the heart of the spaceship. The reason there was no sequel to Independence Day was because it would have just been about Whitmore being impeached and then led away in chains for gross incompetence, negligence and dereliction of duty. When your solution to saving the human race is relying upon a smashed Randy Quaid (is there any other kind?) then you know you’re a shitty President.

Photo credit: YouTube/20th Century Fox

Again, technically not a President of the USA but I’m invoking the Gaius Baltar clause here. Because how could I write something like this without including President Skroob? The man was plainly immoral, which I can get behind – and in fact encourage – so long as you get the job done. But that’s just the thing. Not only was Skroob a hideous letch, he was also an incompetent boob. Under his watch, planet Spaceball had squandered all of its oxygen. The entire planet was about to suffocate. Sure, the man had a plan – steal all the air from Druidia – but his plan failed, largely because he and his men were outwitted by a gang of ruffians that included John Candy in a dog costume. His term ended in disaster with he and his men trapped on a planet ruled by intelligent apes where they were no doubt imprisoned and forced to spend their lives being hunted when they weren’t being stripped naked and thrown into cages. Sure, the same thing happened to Chester A. Arthur but you don’t hear anyone calling him a great President either, now do you?

Photo credit: YouTube/MGM

I’m so glad this joker didn’t actually exist in real life because, man, what a disaster! After all, under this fictional President’s watch, we suffered a catastrophic terrorist attack, were plunged into two costly and bloody wars and could do nothing but watch helplessly as our economy collapsed. That’s not to mention the drowning of New Orleans, the incompetent government response, the dozens of minor scandals, the lying to the public about weapons of mass destruction, the fabrication of evidence of Yellowcake Uranium, the… man, there’s no need to even go on, is there? Frankly, I think the show’s producers went a bit overboard with all of that since at some point it simply becomes unbelievable, doesn’t it? I mean, sure, it was fiction but… wait, what? Oh. Oh, I see.

Photo credit: YouTube/Comedy Central

Aside from having a ridiculous name that manages to be both hideous, funny and vaguely perverse, Muffley also managed to oversee the destruction of the human race, which, uh… say what you will about the other dudes on this list but at least they managed to escape with the human race still in existence (barely in some cases but still… ) Not so with Muffley, whose ineffectiveness and outright incompetence led to total thermonuclear war. I would say he would be remembered in the history books as the worst President of all time, but what history books? And that’s exactly the point. Thanks to him everybody died, which makes him arguably worse than even Bush and only slightly better than Warren G. Harding, and it’s enough to make him number one on this list.

Photo credit: YouTube/Columbia Pictures

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