Breaking Down This Week’s 10 Most Baffling Text Messages on

by 6 years ago



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My Take: Ummm, have you never heard of the zip code rule? Plus, newsflash, HE'S YOUR EX. Maybe he still has some lingering feelings, but there's no doubt he's having the time of his life right now in Europe, mingling with DTF Swedish girls enjoying their “gap year” and such. Outta sight, outta mind. Wait until he gets back to ask the big questions.


My take: Wow, wow, wow. You don't know who Coldplay or Alanis Morrisette are? Isn't that ironic. Not actually, but then again Alanis Morissette didn't really understand the meaning of irony either. “A free ride when you've already paid” and “a traffic jam when you're already late” is just called “shitty timing,” not irony. Also: You were used.


My Take: Well, we need a little bit more back story, but my guess is this guy just doesn't care. In fact, kinda sounds like you might be one of many. Sorry.


My Take: Does asking the same question over and over make you sound like broken record? Does asking the same question over and over make you sound like a broken record? Yes. Yes it does. He answered a question with a question. Three times, in fact. So… He probably doesn't want a commitment. Let it go, yo. He's just not that into you.


My take: Haven't defined it yet, huh? Well, this kinda sounds like it's a thing. Love his bluntness! 

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My take: Ah…. I have friends in D.C. who get into situations like this all the time. You're hooking up with someone who has a job tied to an elected position. A staffer on The Hill or something and their job security goes into jeopardy pending a public election outcome. Stress galore. Well hopefully his boss won because surely the victory hook-up will be much greater than a defeated sympathy hook-up. Losing sucks.


My take: No, you cut your losses here and move on. You've friendzoned this dude for two years and you're just now getting around to talking about your feelings? Why didn't you do that, say, 20 months ago?


My take: Man, you know how much writing a 30 page paper on anything just plain sucks? You probably texted him with your flirty message while he was in the middle of writing a Faulker-esque gem of a sentence. But the text disrupted his thoughts and now that moment of genius is gone forever. For shame, for shame. He's a college, let him live his life and move on. You'll save him preciosu gas money on those weekend trips. 


My take: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! This question is so stupid. Let me spell this out for you: He didn't cancel his plans to see you, A NIGHTMARE NATURAL DISASTER HIT THE METRO REGION HE HAPPENS TO LIVE IN. Did you NOT see the photo New York's LaGuardia Airport UNDERWATER from Hurricane Sandy? You know, the one on every single news outlet in the freakin' country? I'll refresh your memory. JFK and Newark weren't any better, more or less becoming third world fecal-filled refugee camps without electricity and potable water for a few days. And you're pissed that he can't fly out to Chicago? Cry me a river. What a petty, selfish thing to even ask. 


My take: This is depressing. Bro bro cakes here needs to lighten the hell up and stop getting all hung up. He's not stalling, but he sounds like he has no idea what the hell he wants. Happens, people get confused and start to self-doubt, but I don't know why he can't just make his mind up. 

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