10 Rules for the Perfect Bachelor Party
Am I excited? Eh. I feel anxious. I feel like I’m waiting in line for a roller coaster; I know I’ll puke, have fun, and at some point ask myself, “Aren’t I too old for this?” What I dread most of all is Monday morning. I’ll wake up that day thinking that there are real problems in the world and yet I just spent the better part of my weekend handing a midget stripper dollar bills with my toes because my hands were too busy double-fisting Hurricanes. The thing is, every bachelor party feels like it has to be more epic than the last. Frankly, it’s exhausting. So, if we’re going to keep doing these weekends, they need to be worth it. They need to be perfect. If perfection is a trip to Epcot Center (ride the “Small World” ride over and over and over, taking small doses of hallucinogens each time — around the 30th or 35th go-around, you’ll start ejaculating uncontrollably. Trust me.), then how do we get close? Let’s set some ground rules. Ten should do it:
1. Be Awesome
Just be awesome. And make sure you bring a guy who is good at rating how awesome a time the group is having. He needs to say things like, “This horseradish mayo on my steak is AWESOME,” or, “This OD’d stripper in our bathroom is NOT awesome,” or, “Remember when I tried to kiss you last night? That was not awesome, unless you were cool with it, Bro… then, totally AWESOME.” Make sure this guy has no control over the volume of his voice — if he isn’t loud enough, how will the other losers on family vacations know how awesome a time you’re having? How will you know how awesome a time you’re having? Get it? Awesome.
2. Bring a Movie Quote Guy
If you don’t have a guy on the trip with an encyclopedia-like knowledge of “The Hangover” then you aren’t having an awesome bachelor party (and now you’ve broken rule #1). This guy should speak in so many quotes that you’re not even sure if he even has his own personality. For example, if you do something decidedly awesome, don’t be surprised if you hear a rambunctious, “You’re my boy, Blue!” And if any mention of roads comes up (it always does), he should immediately let you know that you won’t need roads where you’re going, after confirming with you that you did indeed say “roads.” These intermittent blasts of banality are necessary to save you from any silence, which may lead to existential thoughts about the pointlessness of marriage and friendship.
3. Keep the Group Mobile
The makeup and size of the group is very important. It needs to be large enough to contain a varied list of characters (you know the funny fat guy, the guy who eats beer cans like a goat, etc.) but it also needs to be small enough that group decisions can actually be made quickly, in case you need to run from a drug dealer. It also should have a good mix of single and relationship guys. Too many relationship guys and you’re in for a bachelor party brought to you by the never-ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden. Too many single guys and you’re at a bachelor party brought to you by rape.
4. No One Should Fall in Love
Every group has that one “buddy” that thinks he’s in love with any chick that looks at him half-cockeyed. This guy will ruin your weekend. While the rest of your buddies are talking about how awesome everything is, this guy is trying to have meaningful conversations and saying things like, “I apologize for my friends, they’re like animals,” as he orders a couple more flutes of Champagne. Friendship means nothing to him and his soul is a barren wasteland. He tries to prove a kind of pickup-artist prowess because his d*ck looks like a piece of penne. Bring the movie quote guy instead.
5. Strippers After 2 a.m.
Strippers shouldn’t exist before 2 a.m. and if you’re looking at one at 9 p.m., then you’re wasting time that could be spent with girls that could actually end up in your bed without telling you a “sensual tickle will be an extra 10 bucks.” Not to mention, is there anything more awkward than being completely sober with strippers? You end up hearing about her “real job” and spending the whole time talking to the retired (aka fired) cop she brought as protection.
6. No Shirtless Activities
A favor to the group’s “funny fat guy” who wore his “Save me, I’m Anorexic” T-shirt. I love that guy. But I think he might be sad.
7. Mast*rbate Profusely
Let's face it. People never hook up on these trips. Before you go, make sure you’ve drained the gun dry or you’ll waste Saturday night talking to the husky girl with a cleft palate.
8. Choose a City with a Built-In Activity
Vegas has gambling, Vail has skiing, Puerto Rico has swimming (oh, and drugs), and, in our case, New Orleans has b**bies being flopped around left and right (I'm bringing binoculars). If you’re in Boston, where the only activity is fighting an Irish kid over which college is better to drop out of, then you’re in for a long weekend.
9. Drink Energy Drinks (I Mean Take Cocaine)
If the group sleeps more than 10 hours for a three-day trip then you guys aren’t having fun. The Monday after you should feel 10 years older and have the anxiety of someone on death row. If you don’t respond to your friend’s email about getting a beer that following Tuesday night with, “I think I should settle down and start a family,” then you’ve done it all wrong.
10. Be Rich
You think good times grow on trees? Besides, you know the d*ck who planned this went overboard and you’re stuck in a situation where you can’t say no — you might as well roll with it, because the guy next to you is letting you know it’s an AWESOME time, and you wouldn’t want to miss out on that, right?
Oh man. I’ve got to get on this flight to New Orleans now. Here we go. Pray for me. And look for a few choice photos on Twitter @jtrain56. And when it’s all said and done, “we’re gonna need a bigger boat.” Did I do that right? I hope I did that right.
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian. You can follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, column updates, pics of dudes striking out in New Orleans, and plenty of pen*s jokes.