The 10 Most Bro Presidents in American History
[inline:waf]It takes quite the man to lead an entire nation. Especially a nation filled with critics, cynics, backseat drivers, and armchair quarterbacks. The problem with America is that everyone thinks they are an expert on topics like foreign policy, the economy, what it takes to run the world’s most badass country, and the intricacies of the spread offense. Sadly, most of us are morons who wouldn’t know the first thing about running a country. Hell, we can barely plug numbers into an Excel spreadsheet, send a fax correctly, or, in my case, draft a coherent sentence. But some men, nay, some Bros, were born to run (thank you, Bruce Springsteen).
With today being President’s Day, we decided to comb through all 44 men who have served this country and determine the 10 who possess the most Bro qualities and attributes. Some were better leaders than others, sure, but all were Bros, through and through.
The following list is in alphabetical order by first name. Each is followed by a few things that make them a real bro and a timeless quote that is either badass or defines the legacy they left.
What makes him a bro: It took very little to stoke Old Hickory’s fire. Rumor has it that if you called him a scallywag or cut off his horse and buggy, it was f*cking go time. As a matter of fact, prior to becoming president, Jackson was involved in 14 duels. How he lived through those face-offs, all involving firearms, is remarkable and likely attributed to him having his blood replaced with venom at birth. His general lack of clemency coupled with the carelessness for his own well being might be why he is the most badass (or certifiably insane) president ever.
Timeless Quote: “I have only two regrets: I didn’t shoot Henry Clay and I didn’t hang John C. Calhoun.” (For those non-history buffs out there, Calhoun was Jackson’s Vice President. Jackson would rip off his own cock if it pissed him off.)
What makes him a bro: For starters, he lodged a lit cigar into Monica Lewinski’s jelly jar. Sure Monica was (and still is) a swine by every definition of the word, but having the prudence to take advantage of his power is a shifty Bro maneuver. As a perfect side dish to his infidelities, and to probably ensure that his own dirty dick doesn’t go to wrack and ruin after his presidency, Clinton became a huge advocate for preventing HIV. Other Bro traits include: golfing, playing the sax, and doing drugs.
Timeless Quote: “I tried marijuana once. I did not inhale.”
Franklin D. Roosevelt
What makes him a bro: FDR held the presidency longer than anyone else (12 years) and he led us through the Great Depression while managing to find time to cheat on his wife, Eleanor. He also funded the Manhattan project, had a ritzy cigarette holder, and dined with an acclaimed lush, Winston Churchill.
Timeless Quote: “Take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly, and try another. But by all means, try something.”
George W. Bush
What makes him a bro: G. Dub was born into a wealthy political family in Connecticut; he attended an Ivy League school; when someone says the word “8-ball” the last thing he thinks about is billiards; he was a part owner of a professional baseball team; he became president because of his father; he looked out for his wealthy friends while pissing on the middle-class; and he spent more time on vacation than any other president in American history.
Timeless Quote: “To those of you who received honors, awards, and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.”
What makes him a bro: Not only was he the general of the army that defeated the British and first president of the United States, but Washington also had his own recipe for many beers and was considered a master brewer. Timeless Quote: “I heard the bullets whistle and, believe me, there is something charming to the sound of bullets.”
What makes him a bro: Ford played center and linebacker for the University of Michigan and he helped the Wolverines to undefeated seasons and national titles in 1932 and 1933. It should be noted that Ford never won a presidential election. But that is fine by us because having things handed to you is very Bro.
Timeless Quote: “If Lincoln were alive today, he’d be turning over in his grave.”
John F. Kennedy
What makes him a bro: He was a man of his word. Take the quote from below for instance. Instead of asking what his country could do for him, he did a lot for his country. All for the betterment of mankind, he did Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Audrey Hepburn, your grandmother, my grandmother, his own wife on occasion, and probably even the mailman when he was feeling extra saucy. Such a giver he was.
Timeless Quote: “And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.”
What makes him a bro: Prior to becoming an actor (and eventually president), Reagan attended Eureka College. While there, Reagan played football and he was a member of Tau Kappa Epsilon fraternity (TKE). Reagan was a stand-up guy and unlike most others on this list, especially that salty f*cker Andrew Jackson, Reagan’s image was never tarnished; so if he had some skeletons or affairs, he kept them locked up tight.
Timeless Quote: “Going to college offered me the chance to play football for four more years.”
What makes him a bro: If he hadn’t accomplished anything more than being born into a wealthy family and spending his college years at Harvard, he would have probably made this list. But Teddy was also a born leader and he won the Medal of Honor for leading the Ruff Riders (no direct correlation to DMX) and serving as the catalyst to winning the Spanish American war. When he finally became president, not only was the Teddy Bear named after him, but he had a suggestively awesome motto, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” What he did with that big stick (sodomy?) is none of your business.
Timeless Quote: “Every immigrant who comes here should be required within five years to learn English or leave the country.”
What makes him a bro: Without taking any of his stately duties/accomplishments into consideration, TJ makes this list for three reasons: He grew his own pot, he is regarded as the greatest patron of wine and winegrowing that this country has yet had, and he had his very own sex slave. Yep, one of his slaves, Sally Hemings, was his f*ck puppet. And legend has it that when Sally unleashed her grizzly old muff, nearby shrubs got jealous.
Timeless Quote: “Don’t talk about what you have done or what you are going to do.” “