10 Ways to Identify a Douchebag
[inline:douche]From coast to coast our nation’s colleges are dealing with a problem more contagious than the infamous swine flu. The issue at hand will not leave you hugging a toilet seat or bedridden for a week. But it does have the power to ruin any good time, which is no laughing matter. The heinous problem I’m talking about can come in many different forms but written below are the major characteristics of college fun enemy Number One: The quintessential Douchebag. If you find yourself with any of the symptoms please immediately remedy the issue by looking in the mirror and questioning your manhood while offering yourself a flurry of self-induced ninja kicks to your dingle dick courtesy of the rest of us. For everyone else, if you find yourself surrounded by people who posses these traits, run away as fast as you possibly can and try to save your night.
10. You have a haircut similar to the leading characters on MTV’s hit series “Two A Days.” Please think about how upset your dad must be with the person you have become and get it cut.
9. You have convinced yourself the 1990s Starters hat is still cool. The truth is the hat was never cool and here you are, 20 years later, still rocking it.
8. You make sure at least 10 people have your back before you decide you are in fact going to fight someone for the first time in your life. If you need the support of the National Guard before you throw a punch you should probably just go ahead and bite your tongue before you get yourself hurt.
7. You wear Duck boots even though it’s 60 degrees out. Come on, man, seriously?
6. You have “no money” when your buddies all throw in for beers or a bag of ganj but at the bar we see you buying shots of Patron for the three little piggies. So douchy. Not only to dick your friends, but, come on man, those chicks have fupas.
5. Your nicotine addiction coincides with your frat brothers’. You guys are so fratty!
4. You have a Grateful Dead poster hanging on your wall but don’t know who Jerry Garcia is. You are probably Googling Jerry Garcia as we speak.
3. You ask people where they summer.
2. When you hear the word salmon you think of the color of your collared shirt not the fish Grizzly bears eat. Enough said.
1. You get an allowance. Thanks Dad!!
Please let me know which ones I missed; have no mercy, my friends. “