College Chick Breakdowns: The Girls of Villanova University

by 8 years ago


[inline:waf]Note from Waffles: College Chick Breakdowns is a weekly piece that sets out to explore all different types of chicks that one might encounter at a certain institution of higher learning. I am currently working through a lot of past requests but to have the chicks at your school/alma mater dissected or if you are a feminist swine, email me at

Today, we are finally arriving at Villanova University, located in a nearby suburb of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. You may have noticed that VU has been on the top of my to-do list for quite some time (about a month), and for those who have been waiting for it, I apologize. I don’t know why I originally skipped past it — I must have just felt the urge to discuss the hunchbacks at Hopkins and piss off the feminists at Loyola first — but here goes.

From getting robbed at gun point on Temple’s campus (happened to a friend of mine twice in one week) to grabbing a “wiz with” cheese steak at Pat’s, the city of Philadelphia boasts a plethora of things to do and schools to attend. You can try your brain at UPenn or you can pretend to blow a statue of a fictitious heavyweight champ while a dirty hobo takes your picture. From the Liberty Bell to some of the most ill-tempered sports fans in the world, Philadelphia is truly your oyster.

Several of the colleges located in Philly (or its surrounding areas) will offer you a good education or at the very least a framed piece of paper that leads employers to believe you attained one, while some of the other schools in the city of Brotherly Love are going to boldly lead you to a dead-end job, a mortgage you can’t pay, and a handsome wife whose varicose veins could be used as a road map. Thankfully, Villanova falls into the first category.

Like any school, Villanova has its highs (basketball team is currently ranked in the top 5 in the country) and its lows (our one source got kicked out for partying too hard and missing too much class), but when it comes to the women, if you like a girl with a catholic upbringing, lots of disposable income, and a slight penchant for the naughty, Villanova might just be the place for you.


Before we go further, some notable alums or people who attended and then transferred (or dropped out to be famous) include: Maria Bello, Toby Keith, Bradley Cooper, Jim Croce, Howie Long, NBA journeyman Tim Thomas, and a corrupt shitbag named Tim Donaghy.

The Looks Department

We have been dealing with a lot of good-looking schools, and the women at Villanova are no exception. For example, the girls at VU have even been plastered around the web on various websites merely for their hotness alone and Miss Teen Pennsylvania (her name really isn’t relevant) is currently a junior at Nova right now.

We’re told that the broads at Nova all dress classy due to their upper-echelon, Catholic upbringing and even if it’s 8 a.m., heels, dresses, and all the trimmings that accompany such attire are not uncommon. Perhaps it’s because they like to look nice, or maybe they are all walk-of-shaming it directly to class. If you see them walking like they took a battering ram to the crotch or one of their eyes is glued shut from dried j*zz, you can probably conclude that it’s the latter.

In a failed effort to not sound like a tip-toeing homosexual, when discussing the looks of the women at Nova, one correspondent even said, “Not to be gay, but the guys at VU are usually rich bros and therefore they are good looking as well.” This statement really bears no relevance to anything else in this article; I just included it so his friends could slug him in the balls for muttering such things.


Sex Life

According to a current student (not the one who got ousted for his excessive partying), the level of DTF ranges from girl to girl. Since it is a Catholic school, there are plenty of girls who don’t want to do much other than make out for a while. And there is nothing wrong with a chick that wants to be respected and can maintain some level of class, but if you play the game with these broads, they are all h*rny and give it up fairly easily.

If you can’t find the right amount of whorishness on campus, it usually isn’t difficult to find sl*tty Susans when you go out to the bars, because the girls in Philly are some of the most promiscuous that I have ever seen and that is certainly not a complaint.

Party Habits

According to our recently expelled source, “Nova is your liver’s worst nightmare. Pre-games frequently start mid-afternoon, and the drink of choice is either Natty or Vladimir Vodka, which is $11.49 a handle.” He conveniently left out the part about Vladimir Vodka tasting like paint thinner and being a vehicle for a Jesus-finding hangover. He did, however, say that he found it particularly amusing that even though everyone at Villanova is rich, they were pre-gaming with the very drink of choice as a homeless man.

People usually drink a lot more during the pre-games than at the parties; fraternities are pretty much the social scene at Nova if you stay local. Students at Nova head into Philly a lot and hit places like Mad River (in Manayunk), Mar Bar, Kelly’s, or Philly’s world renowned strip clubs Show n’ Tell and Delilah’s (which has a fantastic penne vodka and the str*ppers are DTF).

Some downsides of the social life are that pretty much all the parties are a cab ride away, and although females are welcomed with open arms, guys are sometimes only welcome after shelling out $10 to get into the door. Which isn’t so terrible since you’ve probably saved a ton of money by drinking Vladimir’s delicious Vodka.

One pitfall to the party life at Villanova is that the f*cking squares in the administration office are strict about underage drinking on campus as well as drug use. For the most part you won’t get hassled, but if you get written up for even the most minor offense (like defecating on school grounds), Villanova will fine you up to a couple hundred bucks, or make you do community service, which is like a f*cking death sentence to most bros.

Nova Fest:

The one day of year that on campus drinking is very acceptable is Nova Fest. It is the spring fling if you will. The school gets performers and everyone goes to West Campus for barbeques and ridiculous amounts of beer and liquor consumption. Our one source claims that Everclear is very prevalent at this event, and that shit will not only do work on you but it will make women way better looking than they actually are.

Greek Life

If you want to go to a school rich with Greek tradition and fraternity rivalries, look elsewhere. Villanova is not the place to be for an exciting Greek life or even finding droves or sorostitutes. If you want to stay in PA and you don’t mind sacrificing the big city nightlife that Philly has for a better Greek community, Lehigh University is a good place to go.

Here is how the girls at Villanova stack up in certain areas:

(Note: For the grading, I took the averages of what each guy submitted.)

Hotness: A-

Willingness to f*ck (DTF): B

Daddy’s bank roll: A+

Alcohol Consumption: A

Intelligence: A-

Chillness: B

Interest in Athletics: A- (Basketball is a huge draw and Football is catching steam)

Maintenance Level: B

Prevalence of Fake Tits: F

Overall Grade: B+

Here is a list of the breakdowns that will be coming in the next month or so. Thanks again for all of your help, without it these articles would not be possible.


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