Bro of the Week: Shaun White

by 8 years ago

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Since President’s Day was on Monday and the Winter Olympics are in full swing we are feeling pretty f*cking patriotic these days. Like most of you, I f*ckin’ love America. I love its history, its pastimes, its gorgeous women, its united hatred of Sarah Palin (although Id like to f*ck the snot out of her) and the way we win at shit. Forget about Vietnam and the fact that we can’t find a cave dwelling, geriatric terrorist for a second, because 95% of the time America and its citizens win. And that is something Pakistan, Uganda, both of the Koreas, and Canada will never be able to say.

With that patriotic theme in mind, our choice for the Bro of the Week has to be a bro who has done his country proud in the last seven days and not in the shit-stabbing event of figure skating. Enter the gingerhead man, Shaun White.

The Flying Tomato won gold in the half-pipe on Wednesday and it seems like all White does is win. When it comes to snowboarding, Shaun is considered the Michael Jordan of his sport. He is not only a sure bet to succeed but he has serious marketing power. And not just the, I won a gold medal but you’ll forget about me in 3 days type marketing power most Olympic athletes have (save for bong-ripper Phelps). White is all over the place, all year round and his sport certainly doesn’t suffer from it. He has his own video game, he hawks non-sport related products, and he makes a substantial nine million dollars in endorsements a year. Not to bad for an X-games athlete.

Watching him shred the half-pipe finals a few nights ago was a thing of beauty. In his first run in the finals, White scored a 46.8, which was a high enough score to lock in the gold medal without even performing a second run. Ever the showman, White performed his second run anyway and he ended it with a Double McTwist 1260 while eating a McRibb sando and smoking a victory cigar. His near flawless second run resulted in a record score of 48.4, expanding his margin of victory. The next closest competitor was a gaping 3.4 points behind White.

[inline:2]When Shaun White takes his helmet off, the fanciful and poetic beauty he displayed moments earlier escapes at the speed of sound, but even though he is a 5 8, red headed freak, the dude still gets tons of puss and makes loads of money. And that (along with the fact that hes chilled with bro-king and billionaire, Richard Branson) I respect.

Congrats on bringing home the gold, Shaun, the old swashbuckling dueler, Andrew Jackson, is looking up from his resting place with great pride. “


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