Reports: ‘Growing Pains’ Star Andrew ‘Boner’ Koenig is Missing

by 9 years ago

[inline:k2]Last August I wrote about the worst possible times to find yourself with a raging boner; when you’re in the classroom, while you’re jogging at the gym, or, if by some horrible chance, you overhear your parents having sex. You know, the kind of sex where your dad gags your mom with a 1980s tube sock and then takes a dump on her chest while she playfully begs for mercy. Anyway, in that article I failed to mention what one should do when his boner goes missing. I’ve never experienced whiskey dick or bouts of unexplained limpness, but yesterday, after reading this chilling article, I realized that sometimes a depressed and unloved boner can go missing. Possibly forever. And that is why today, with a heart heavier than diseased testicle, I am writing about the disappearance of “Growing Pains” actor and hard-on extraordinaire Andrew Koenig.

To most of us, Andrew will always be Boner Stabone. Mikey Seaver’s sidekick that had an affinity for the voluptuous Woo Woo Burkawitz, a father who was oddly named Sylvester Stabone, and a young man that possessed a burning love for his country — or at least we were led to believe that when he was written off the show in 1989 to join the Marine Corps. But like most actors, Andrew was a real person, with real person problems. Take his shitty hair cut for instance. A boner should never have that much hair surrounding it.

In all seriousness though, according to TMZ, Andrew’s parents described their son as “suffering from depression” and “not doing good” in the days before he vanished. Regarding the depression that may have prompted his son’s disappearance, his father said, “I think it’s something that has been a part of his makeup for a long time. There’s no single trauma. There’s no episode. There’s nothing of that nature.”

His father went on to say that Andrew, “went to visit some friends in Toronto and after there, he went to Vancouver. It’s a place where he felt very comfortable. He lived there for a few years.”

If you’ve seen this Boner or just want to make a boner-inspired prank phone call (just kidding), contact Detective Raymond Payette of the Vancouver Police Department at 604-717-2534. “