10 Ways to Get Wasted in Class and Not Get Caught (We Hope)
[inline:waff]A few situations exist in our lives when we have to do our drinking/drug use on the sly. Getting hammered or slightly tuned-up during class is a perfect example of this stealthy behavior. Is it right or wrong to engage in unscrupulous activities in a classroom? Do I really give a f*ck either way? No, I sure don’t.
College is a phenomenal time, there’s no debating that, but as much as we would love to be getting hammered with our Bros or banging a girl’s tw*t like a drum all day, attending class is sometimes a disgusting reality. If you’ve ever endured the treachery of a once-a-week, three-hour class, or a full day schedule, then you understand the necessity of classroom drinking. I have done extensive research on this and to gain further insight on how the pros do it, I joined SoberRecovery.com, an Alcoholics Anonymous forum. My joining is probably right on the cusp of being morally wrong and hell worthy, but these (recovering) boozehounds need to pay back society somehow, right?
Thanks to all my research, the BroBible team’s suggestions, and what I gleamed off Sober Recovery, I have constructed a list of very plausible techniques (some way more than others) for you to employ the next time you want to be a part of your friends’ pre-game or day chay but your f*cking class schedule has gotten in the way.
Note: As with all drinking, going overboard in class will get you caught, so be sure to not get so utterly shit faced that you make an ass out of yourself, the professor kicks you out, and you fail the class. Oh, and BroBible assumes no liability if such an event or expulsion from this unsavory behavior should occur.
The Fruit Method
They sell pre-cut fruit bowls at your local grocer, so buy one and then pour Everclear or vodka all over it and leave it to soak over night. The next morning, toss that f*cker in your bag and enjoy it during class. For that extra tingle in the tip of your dick, drink the juice after you eat all the fruit.
The Beer Belly
For those who don’t touch the hard stuff but still want to optimize their classroom drinking, consider investing in The Beer Belly. If you are too proud of your statuesque physique to don a beer belly, flip it around, wear it on your back and look like the Quasihomo that you are.
This is simple: Fill an old water bottle with straight Vodka or Patron silver and let the good times roll. If you want to step up your game and quit being a lifetime p*ssy, go from 0 to 60 by using Everclear.
I don’t know if these pack enough of a Tyson-like punch to get you f*cked up, but according to Lollyphile, they are the ultimate party favor and their best selling product.
Coffee is a great way to stay awake in class, but an even better utilization of your Starbucks (or whatever coffee you choose to buy) is to pour a few shots of Baileys Irish Cream in it. To get way more f*cked, forgo the training wheels and spike that Joe with Jameson instead.
Whether you are drowning in morning screwdrivers or afternoon cocktails of Grainorade, using a cunning mixer is a favorite among co-eds nationwide. This is one of the least complicated ways to hide booze because you simply dilute it with another beverage. In doing this, you also increase your chances of not getting caught since the scent of that delicious alcohol is going to be masked by your mixer of choice. Use either the bottle your mixer came in or put your drink in a concealed cup or bottle. Anything from a 64 oz. Big Gulp cups to a f*cking canteen ought to work.
Flasks and Nips
Long day of classes ahead of you? No problem. Copy an ancient alcoholic technique and either get a flask-sized bottle of your favorite booze or steal some nips the next time you’re on an airplane. Keep them in your bag, stuff them in your socks, or, if your a**hole is vacant, use that. In between your classes, pick up a drink to mix them with or shoot them straight while on the shitter in the men’s room. Five or six nips, or two flasks, should get you through a long day.
This is definitely a better option than the Beer Belly. It is also sort of extreme and kind of awkward to sit down with but at least it won’t make you look a pregnant man. The pros of this are obvious; it holds large quantities of booze and the straw is blue so no one has any idea that your drinking liters of beer, liquor, or boxed wine (Heywood Jabroni) during class. The cons are that it’s annoying to wash and, well, you’re toting around a f*cking Camelback.
If you have a spotty liver or just can’t seem to handle your liquor, try these drug-inspired tactics.
Eating brownies in class will look a little weird unless you’re an obese slob, so instead we’re recommending muffins. Plus, sometimes we have to eat breakfast on the run (or in this case make it appear as such) and on top of that, these go great with a nice bottle of Tropicana and Smirnoff. Our resident culinary expert (and habitual stoner) claims that it is best to put the butter in a crock pot with the herb overnight. If you put it on low temperature it’ll be the perfect absorption temp for a solid 12 or 18 hours. I’d like to point out that this sick f*ck got these tips out of a pot cookbook designed for cancer and glaucoma patients. Well done, sir.
These mixed berry-flavored lollipop treats aren’t for everyone. In fact, I would hope none of you would actually use them; but if by some chance you do heroin, this is your opportunity to do a drug of that magnitude in class. The reason Perc-o-pops are such popular street drugs is the ease of administration. I mean, only an idiot would spend hours fumbling around with elaborate drug kits filled with intravenous needles, glass pipes, and butane torches when they could easily suck their way to a high that I can’t even fathom. Perc-O-Pops can be bought on the street for around $20 a piece. But please don’t buy or use them. Especially in class.
Did I miss something? Let everyone know about it in the Comments. “