College Chick Breakdowns: The Girls of the University of Alabama

by 8 years ago


Note from Waffles: College Chick Breakdowns is a weekly piece that sets out to explore all different types of chicks that one might encounter at a certain institution of higher learning. I am currently working through a lot of past requests but to have the chicks at your school/alma mater dissected or if you are a feminist swine with a bone to pick, email me at

Last week we got an email to do the University of Alabama. For various reasons I decided to push this to the top of the list, mainly because I have been neglecting larger institutions for a while now and I felt the need to travel south to finally give our brothers below the Mason-Dixon line some love. It’s not that I hate focusing on smaller schools in the Northeast, because I don’t (I understand a large segment of the Brommunity resides there). It’s just that every time I have to write about a religious college — Catholic, Methodist, Jesuit, or otherwise — a little part of me commits suicide.


Located in Tuscaloosa, the University of Alabama’s campus is a nirvana-like setting for any guy with an appetite for southern belles, college football, and Mercedes Benz. If I have learned anything from speaking to our sources it’s that ‘Bama isn’t deficient in tradition and beautiful babies. The school boasts one of the oldest and most successful college football programs in the country. In recent years, however, the team was trapped in mediocrity. With hopes to return the program to its former prominence, ‘Bama hired the Miami Dolphins’ favorite son, Nick Saban. As you all know (unless you’re a sports-hating douche bag) thanks to his tutelage and Colt McCoy being a numb-armed p*ssy, the team was able to win the National Championship this year.

Even if you loath football our one correspondent thinks one trip to a game in Tuscaloosa will change your dick’s narrow-minded ways. He said, “The girls here are hot and you will see a lot of them everywhere but whenever it’s game day in the fall, you will be hard pressed to find hotter, more decadent ladies than the southern belles that dress up in Houndstooth and Crimson each week. I just can’t wait for it to be football season again.” Neither can we.

Now before any haters out there unzip your pants to piss on Joe Namath’s alma mater — because going there won’t land you a job on Wall Street — let me just say that we all know that there are better educations or diplomas out there, so save your breaths. As I stated in the first post ever, these aren’t about educations and life after college. Frankly, I hope you all succeed in life but it’s not my job to make sure your don’t become failures, junkies, or connoisseurs of domestic violence, it’s my job to breakdown every college and to tell you what the girls and parties at these schools are like so you and your phallus can run through them at speeds so fast that you break the f*cking sound barrier. Everything else can be saved for your guidance counselor.


The Looks Department

Our one source, Chay’n Reaction, says that there are four main types of girls at Bama: girls who are not in sororities, girls who are in sororities, true Southern Belles in sororities, and those girls whose vag*nas hemorrhage uncontrollably in order to keep the tide a nice shade of crimson. O.K., so I lied, there are only three types and they can be found by using your scroll bar.

Type 1: GDI’s

The girls at ‘Bama who are not in a sorority tend to be gross, unhygienic, and generally not conducive to any positive stereotypes about southern belles. Although obvious exceptions to this rule exist (not every GDI eats out of a trough), our source claims that it is usually in one’s best interest to stay at a safe distance from these broads. Unless you have a thing for gargoyles, then it’s O.K.

Type 2: Sorority Girls (Non-Southern Belle)

By non-Southern belle, we mean that these girls are usually Alabama imports. On the whole they are pretty good looking, but definitely not regarded as a southern belle. Sorority rush at ‘Bama tends to consider looks among a lot of other qualities, so generally most sororities have a pretty attractive pool of non-belles to dive into. Penis first, of course.


Type 3: The Southern Belles

You can categorize these beauties as the girls that most of us desire. They, in fact, are the girls that sold our source on his first campus visit. As he articulately stated, “these girls will make your jaw drop faster and your mouth open wider than Tim Tebow’s while sucking on Nick Saban’s one-eyed staff-of-justice in the SEC Championship. They are just stunning.” And so was that comparison.

Sex Life

Even though the level of hotness might be at a heightened state at Alabama, feeding these girls your dirty dick is certainly not impossible. Girls like to date guys that are slightly worse looking than them, so even you disfigured mother f*ckers have a chance. According to Chay’n, most of the girls that you would actually want to f*ck tend to fall right in the laps of guys who are in the better fraternities on campus. This is not a bad thing though, because the guys in these few fraternities are generally the biggest bros and shred the most ass as a result.

While sorority girls generally won’t go for guys outside of a few fraternities, one glaring exception is the football team. Every girl on campus is a cleat (see: money) chaser, whether she knows it yet or not.

In summation, the vast majority of Alabama girls will put out at the drop of a hat if you are a bro, belong to a good fraternity, or the person attached to your dick just won the Heisman Trophy.


Party Habits

Although it lacks the glitz, glamour, and club scene of colleges located in major metropolises, Alabama is a mammoth party school and the students tend to conduct their merrymaking in the same manner as Lionel Richie. All. Night. Long.

In terms of house parties, anything great goes through a fraternity house first and the biggest shit fests are always fraternity related. Chay’n tells us that this occurs more than 100% of the time. Which is a staggering percentage since it’s mathematically unattainable. He also said that last fall SAE had Pretty Lights perform and rumor has it that Three 6 Mafia and Gorilla Zoe are coming to Pike this spring.

When students are in the mood to head to the bars, they usually go to the Strip or downtown Tuscaloosa. Some bars frequented by students include: The Back Porch, The Yard, Cheap Shots, Buffalo Phil’s, Harry’s, and The Houndstooth.

Greek Life

In the SEC it is nearly impossible to find a school that doesn’t have a first-class Greek system and ‘Bama is no exception. While fraternities aren’t the only social scene, they play a major role and that’s in large part to the fact that all good frat houses on campus aren’t dry — making them the perfect breeding grounds for constant boozing.

The fraternities on campus can be fractioned into two groups: Old Row and New Row. Old Row has bigger houses, more money, and more bros, so naturally they pull the best ass on campus and throw down the hardest. DKE, SAE, Sigma Nu, and KA are the big four on Old Row while Theta Chi, Sigma Chi, Pike, and Lambda Chi also throw down pretty hard and get a respectable share of ass.

In terms of sororities, we are told that if you are looking for a solid f*ck and/or Southern girlfriend (what the f*ck else would you be looking for?) you should veer towards the sororities with the highest concentration of the Type 3’s that were detailed above. From our sources’ experience thus far, Chi O, Phi Mu, KD, Alpha Chi, ZTA, and Pi Phi all have a great quantity of jaw dropping, dick-hardening slam pieces. In fact, ZTA’s and Pi Phi’s are often known to put out on a whim, while the others mentioned are following not far behind.


Here is how the girls at Alabama stack up in certain areas:

(Note: For the grading, I took the averages of what each guy submitted.)

Hotness: A

Willingness to f*ck (DTF): B+

Daddy’s bank roll: B+

Alcohol Consumption: B+

Intelligence: B-

Chillness: B+

Interest in Athletics: A+

Maintenance Level: C

Prevalence of Fake Tits: C

Overall Grade: A

Here is a list of the breakdowns that will be coming in the next month or so. Thanks again for all of your help, without it these articles would not be possible.


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