Slaying Virgins: The Fountain of Youth and So Much More
Editor’s Note: As always, sex, even with virgins, must be consensual.
Taking a girl’s virginity is the true path to immortality. It is literally the holy grail. Why? Simple. Girls never forget their first time. Ever. Try as they might, they remember that first time the way you remember when your grandmother caught you beating it to the scrambled Spice Channel in the eighth grade. If you swipe a girl’s v-card, 10 years later she’ll have the same reaction to a photo of you that my dog has when I open the cheese drawer: hungry hope. You could meet and f*ck a girl doggy style in a port-o-john at the Preakness, and 20 years and 150 dicks later she’ll be doodling your name and youthful likeness on company stationary.
If you’re like me and don’t believe in any sort of afterlife, spirits, ghosts, fairies, etc; if you’re just about certain that nothing happens when you die, take solace in knowing that if you slay a mighty sum of virgins in your time, you will never be forgotten. Sure, you could achieve a similar result by becoming President, heroically killing a thousand Japs in WWII, or being inducted into a the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. But slaying virgins is much more fun and easy.
Case in point: Yesterday I got a Facebook friend request I didn’t recognize. [Brittney Lohan?] Who the hell is that? I started browsing through her photos and found myself in one of her albums from five years ago. Ohhhhhhhhh yeah… her. Miss “just put it in before they get back” from the dorm meeting! I knew her for about thre hours total and haven’t spoken to her since. I’m confident that if I did confirm her friend request, she’d send me a message encouraging me to get the mole in the small of my back looked at by a dermatologist.
Immortality is cool… but here are even more reasons to slay a virgin today…
- You will not get AIDS. Virgin p*ssy is clean p*ssy.
- You’re the biggest she’s ever taken. Even though your dick looks like a ballpark peanut, she will be impressed.
- Community Service. Once they pop they don’t stop. Like returning your shopping cart to the rack, properly deflowering a woman will give others opportunity to enjoy nature’s bounty.
- It’s better than the back burner. If your dick is the first, it can always return to that vag years, probably decades, later.
- Because her parents trust you wont.
- Virgins can’t get pregnant, duh! I know this list could be longer.
Sound Off in the comments with your top reasons for shredding hymen and your favorite deflowering stories.