10 Ways to Increase Your Chances of NOT Getting Her Pregnant
What do donating blood, befriending a Guido, being middle-class, and dipping my beautiful balls in mustard gas all have in common? Well, for one, they all sound like terrible plights, but more importantly, each of them are on my long list of things that I would much rather happen to me than to ever conceive a child out of wedlock. I gather that most men in our demographic feel the same way about this since one false decision to stay inside during that euphoric moment of ejaculatory bliss can result in your life — the one consisting of more ill-advised acts than the Bush administration — coming to an abrupt, and tear-inducing, end.
In order to never be a part of the “I have a wife because it was the right thing to do” club, one must proceed with caution and never assume that any girl is on the same page as you. Even if the girl you are banging on the reg is your girlfriend, who you love and cherish (currently), you should still think about the fire that you are playing with. Because while you think abortion is to sex as an eraser is to a pencil, her heart and soul might not allow her to go through with it. And she, after all, gets the final say.
With those things in mind, here are a few responsible tricks to keep you acting irresponsibly.
(Editor’s Note: None of these are foolproof. Proceed with caution. Don’t blame us.)
10. Wear a Condom
I’ve been around long enough to know that this is far too logical for any of us to ever do, thus the reason we have nine other items on this list.
The withdrawal method is not only preferred by our gunslinging generation but it has been said to be almost as effective as wearing a condom (when it comes to stopping pregnancy and pregnancy alone, but not STDs). Another great advantage of pulling out is the carelessness in which you can fire your load. Nothing says, “I just f*cked you” quite like blowing your load in a broad’s hair followed by a school-yard noogie.
8. Fuck Only Cougars
Aside from the obvious allure to this conquest, there are two great reasons to sleep with a cougar: They don’t want to get pregnant; and seven times out of 10 they may no longer be physically able to. Take full advantage of this.
7. Have the Girl on Top
Gravity can be your best pal or your worst enemy, especially if you’re the type of guy whose load comes out with the same velocity as maple syrup from a tree. This method isn’t fool proof by any means, but if you are nutting inside a girl, she is least likely to get pregnant if she is on top while you dominate the power bottom position with a shivering flurry of upward thrusts.
6. Refrain from Doggy Style
Although this is one of the best positions for f*cking a chick with a handsome face, doing it beast mode allows the sperm better access to the cervix — or so I have read. Basically, if you are going to hit it raw from behind, make sure that isn’t where you climax.
5. Have Sex in the Shower or Hot Tub
Water and heat can have adverse affects, although only temporarily, on male fertility. This means that you are less likely to produce powerful sperm in these arenas (especially after a long time in the water) and the chances of impregnating a chick is decreased, though not completely. Other semen-lowering activities include bicycling, wearing tight underwear, figure skating, and watching “Gilmore Girls.” (Note: the myth that a girl can get pregnant from loose ejaculation in a hot tub or pool is just that — a myth that’s been busted by experts.)
4. Be Aware of Post-Coital Tilt
If you notice that every time you have sex your girl slips a pillow under her hips it isn’t because you bruised her ass. It’s because she is trying to let your boys swim to her cervix. If this happens quickly grab a shop-vac, ram it up her junk, and pray that it’s not too late to reverse any damages she may have already done.
3. Use Spermicidal Lubricant
It isn’t a cure-all but coating your lovers’ vag*nal walls with a sperm killing serum will make the pull-out method even more foolproof.
2. Be a Gentleman, Walk Her to the Clinic the Morning After
And then watch her swallow pill. Giving her the $50 isn’t enough, you need to make sure that investment yields returns, and by that I mean, dead sperm and unfertilized eggs.
1. Only Fuck Asses
Being an anal conquistador might limit the number of chicks who will sleep with you, but at least you’ll know that the only birthing any of the chicks you have f*cked will doing is that of a 10 pound, 8-ounce mega shit.
Other methods include:
- Get a reversible Vasectomy
- Having sex with menstruating or already pregnant chicks
- Abstinence (Kidding)