20 People Who Definitely Need to Be ‘Iced’
As much as we love Bros Icing Bros and being partially credited for exposing the game to a larger, mainstream audience, the law of diminishing marginal utility essentially dictates that the glossy veneer and “gee-whiz” fascination over this new drinking-game phenomenon will not be around forever. We’re already hearing — and, for now, ignoring — murmurs about the game expanding to non-Bros in major waves.
Before Icing becomes as irrelevant as Hootie and the Blowfish, we’d like to propose a few ultimate Icing scenarios. Last week Waffles gave us the 15 most inappropriate place to ice someone. Now we’re getting down to the specific people who definitely need to take a knee and chug a Smirnoff Ice while this drinking game is in vogue. (Sorry, Dustin Diamond, a.k.a. “Screech,” has already been iced.) You’ll score major Bro cred by Icing — or even attempting to Ice — these 20 key targets.
20. A professional ice sculptor
We don’t personally know any professional ice sculptors, but it seems like a lot of hard work. Icing an ice sculptor is a suitable reward for their handicraft and patience.
Points awarded: 20
Points with picture/video evidence: 50
Points if they make a sculpture like this: 100
19. Anyone distantly related to the captain of the Titanic
Like any honorable old salt, Captain Edward Smith went down with the Titanic after striking an iceberg. If you can track down a distant great, great, second or third cousin-once-removed, ice them immediately.
Points with photo/video evidence: 200
Points for being able to prove their kinship to Captain Smith with a family tree: 300
18. A meth-head
If there’s one thing we remember from our D.A.R.E. days, it’s definitely the icy-cool street name for methamphetamine crystals. Proceed with caution when asking a tweeked-out crystal meth addict if he or she wants any Ice.
Points with photo/video evidence: 500
Points for an on-camera icing in A&E’s “Intervention” or “Dog the Bounty Hunter”: 1,000
17. Mr. Cool Ice
Just take a cold, long look at this douchebag. He was dumb enough to actually tattoo “Mr. Cool ICE” on his body multiple times. Waffles hates him, I hate him, and the next best thing that could happen to this guy — besides abandoning civilization to live in Antarctica — would be forcing him to take a knee and chug down a warm 40 of pineapple Smirnoff Ice.
Points awarded: 200
Points with picture/video evidence: 500
Points for a picture of him taking the ice while showing his tattoos: 1,000
Bonus points since he’s most likely a meth-head: 2000
16. Stone “Cold” Steve Austin
It’s not going to be very hard to convince Stone Cold Steve Austin to drink alcohol. He’s been pounding beers in the wrestling ring for over 10 years, so he’s probably ready to mix things up by guzzling a malt beverage.
Points awarded: 500.
Points with picture/video evidence: 700
Points if he’s wearing an Austin 3:16 shirt: 1,500
Points if he gives you the Stone Cold Stunner after the icing: 3,000
15. U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) Agent
Something tells me you don’t want to cross paths with the agents of a federal law enforcement agency with “ICE” as their acronym. If you can manage to pull this off and not end up in handcuffs, your either a legal, law-abiding U.S. citizen or a camera man on Border Wars.
Points awarded: 200
Points with picture/video evidence: 850
Points if they hold out their badge or wear their jacket during the icing: 1,500
Points if it’s during an illegal immigration raid: 2,500
14. Al Gore
The former Vice President won a Nobel Peace Prize for trying save the polar ice caps. Ice Cube hates his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Tipper, for leading a censorship assault against the music industry back in the day. Since he’s getting a divorce from this ice queen, Al Gore absolutely deserves a cold one.
Points with photo/video evidence: 5,000
Points for Icing a member of his Secret Service detail: 7,000
13. Any member of “Foreigner”
Although Foreigner claims five multi-platinum albums, you’ll be a true “Juke Box Hero” if you manage to surprise Ice an original member of Foreigner for singing “Cold as Ice.”
ints with photo/video evidence: 9,000
12. Ice Cube
Pretty self-explanatory. Err, be careful.
Points with picture/video evidence: 3,000
Points while smoking a blunt: 5,000
11. Any “Ice Road Truckers” Cast Member
These folks astonish us with their preternatural ability to drive big rigs across the frozen lakes of Canada’s Northwest Territories. After piloting an 18-wheeler through extremely treacherous conditions, we can’t imagine these heavy haulers denying an Ice when they’re safely back in Yellowknife.
Points with picture/video evidence: 5,000
Points for hooking-up with Lisa Kelly, the only hot female cast member on the show: 6,000
10. Ötzi the Iceman
5,300 years ago, Ötzi the Iceman roamed the alpine border area between Austria and Italy. In 1991, Ötzi was found perfectly preserved — plus a little bit of freezer burn — in a glacier. He’s famous for being the Europe’s oldest mummy. His body and belongings are on display at the South Tyrol Museum of Archaeology in Bolzano, northern Italy, so if you know anyone headed to the Alps anytime soon, remind them to pack some malty Smirnoff firewater.
Points with picture/video evidence: 5,500
Points for accepting the Ice on Otzi’s behalf: 7,000
9. Yakov Smirnoff
Our parents remind us that his Cold War humor about Soviet Russia and TV show “What a country!” was pretty funny back in 1986. That may be true, but we just want to Ice him because his last name is Smirnoff.
Points with picture/video evidence: 6,000
Points for having him tell a “Russian reversal” joke upon getting iced: 7,000
8. Val Kilmer
The man who played hot-headed Lt. Tom “Iceman” Kazanski in “Top Gun” will probably appreciate an Ice to keep his cool.
Points with picture/video evidence: 7,000
Points for talking shit on Maverick and mourning Goose: 9,000
7. Ice T
Many bros aspire for Ice T’s hybrid career as a rapper and actor. Just like Ice Cube, he needs to live up to his name by accepting an ice.
Points with picture/video evidence: 7,100
Bonus points if you ice him with his wife CoCo: 9,000
Bonus points if you ice him on the set of “Law and Order”: 15,000
6. Arnold Schwarzenegger
We only remember “Batman and Robin” because it sucked so much. “Mr. Freeze” may be the Governor of California these days, but he definitely needs to be Iced after his performance in that abysmal failure of an action movie.
Points with picture/video evidence: 14,100
Points with director Joel Schumacher: 16,000
5. Tonya Harding
Before assaulting Nancy Kerrigan in 1994 and starting a media shit-storm, Tonya Harding was actually a pretty accomplished figure skater. In the years following the infamous incident, she released a celebrity sex tape (that no one watched) and briefly stepped into the ring as a semi-professional boxer. If you run into Harding, present her with an Ice to remind her about where her career began.
Points with picture/video evidence: 15,000
Bonus points if you ice her with Nancy Kerrigan: 18,000
4. Jacob the Jeweler
Six months ago, when someone said, “I’m going to Ice you, Bro,” you probably thought they were either going to freshen up your tumbler with a couple more ice cubes or present you with some ballin’ silver chains. Jacob Arabo, the famous Bukharian-American jeweler, is referenced by Jay-Z, Kayne West, Young Jeezy, 50 Cent, and many more rappers in dozens of hip-hop songs. He may be known as the jewler to the rappers, but he’s currently doing time in a Federal prison for a money-laundering operation. When he gets out from behind bars, he should be iced immediately.
Points with picture/video evidence: 40,000
Bonus points if you ice him in a jump suit: 80,00
Bonus points if you ice him with a famous rapper: 100,000
3. Ólafur Ragnar Grímssonng
He’s the President of Iceland. ‘Nuff said.
Points with picture/video evidence: 200,000
Bonus points if you ice him in front of that pesky volcano that won’t cool down: 500,000
2. Walt Disney/Ted Williams
Urban legend has it that both of these late legends are cryogenically frozen. Last fall, allegations surfaced that Ted William’s head was even being used for batt
ing practice at the Alcor Life
Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Arizona. They’re probably getting mighty thirsty while waiting for flying cars, teleporters, laser guns, and free universal health care in a mysterious cryonics lab, so they’d probably appreciate a Smirnoff Ice when they’re finally dethawed so doctors can begin toying with their DNA.
Points for Icing Ted Williams: 1,000,000
Points for Icing Walt Disney: 2,000,000
Points for photo/video evidence: 1,000,000,000
1. Vanilla Ice
It’s been approximately 20 years since Vanilla Ice froze the world with his breakaway party anthem “Ice Ice Baby.” If that doesn’t make you feel old, consider that his rap, “Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go” — the theme song for the second Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie — came out in 1991. Besides a short-lived punk-rock career, Vanilla Ice has enjoyed a prolong career on VH1’s “Where Are They Now?” ever since.
For anyone born in the 1980s, Vanilla Ice will forever belong to our collective childhood imagination as the original white-boy rapper. He definitely needs to be iced. We hear he’s abandoned his music career to flip houses and condos in Miami. To the tactful prankster, Vanilla Ice’s new professional endeavor sets up plenty of scenarios for the ultimate icing. If you’re able to Ice him at a real estate open house or outside the vacant strip mall he’s trying to develop, the more power to you.
Points for icing Vanilla Ice: 10,000,000
Points for photo/video evidence: 1,000,000,000
Points for photo/video evidence of icing, along with Vanilla Ice rapping “Ice Ice Baby”: Game Over. You will live in infamy as the World Champion of Bros getting Iced.
Note: If you manage to actually “ice” any of these people, send photos to email@example.com. Same goes if you Ice someone notable not on this list.