The 17 Worst Thing About Going to College in the South
Yesterday, I presented the 20 best things about going to college in the South. Today, we go in the other direction: Here are the 17 worst things about going to college in the South. As always, Sound Off in the Comments with your own items for the list.
First off, what the hell are manners? Bros don’t have manners, at all. Why on Earth should you be expected to open a door for a girl or open her car door for her? She has arms, let her open the damn door. Women should flock to open the door for us. And, “thank you”? Who says “thank you”? Communists and waiters, that’s who. The only manners a Bro should know is buying a 30 instead of a 12 and letting your boys get in on the action.
Speaking of 30s, one of the most tragic flaws of the South is the fact that you cannot find a 30 in a lot of states. Like, honestly, who only wants 24 beers? That’s not even enough to split between two people and get sloshy. It’s almost unbearable. Life without 30s is like life with only Starbucks and no Dunkies. Horrific. On to the next subject before I throw up.
I’m not here to shit on the flag because I get it. Southern pride is totally fine. Kids with the flag on their trucks is whatever and it doesn’t bother me. I have pride in being from Boston and of Irish decent, and anybody who knows me knows that I have shamrocks on almost everything I own, including this laptop that I’m slaving away on for your goddamn pleasure. So when southerners have pride in their heritage I’m 100% O.K. with that. It’s the “South will rise again” idiotes that piss me off. First off, grow up. No, the South will not rise again. You gotta be kidding me. It’s these freaks that are the ones that are in the KKK, which absolutely still exists. Slavery is over and it was a pathetic stain on the history books of America. If you really think the South will rise again then try it. I dare you. I personally know that the normal Southern kids who are proud of their heritage hate these Confederate fanatics as much, if not more than I do. So do me a favor and next time you run into one tell him to get out of the 1800s and turn in his cotton gin. The only thing that’s rising in the South anytime soon is unemployment. Thanks Obama.
Humidity is like your perfect-10 girlfriend having herpes. It’s like a pack of Starburst with no pinks, yellows, or reds. It’s war with no nukes. Humidity is the bastard cousin to the Southern heat. It gets so bad that you need to bring an extra shirt to change into before class because you sweat through your first one just walking to class. Plus, it dehydrates the shit out of you. It makes you dread going outside. On humid days all you want to do is sit in your air-conditioned living room and watch the shit out of HBO.
5. Fried Food
Think of your favorite food. I guarantee you that on some menu in the South they have it fried. Snickers, try fried Snickers. Pickles, try fried pickles. For f*ck’s sake they even have country-fried steak. Say goodbye to your arteries and hello to fat.
All of them are a**holes. Every single one. They are all the d-bags meatheads who barely graduated from high school and couldn’t get into college. Plus, they wont hesitate in rubbing your face in the pavement. Shit hurts. They even go as far as going undercover, posing as college kids in bars and parties and bust kids for drinking. Are you serious? Get a life, go arrest a crack head or a child mol*ster and leave me alone with my 40. Jesus.
There’s not much that gets to me like country music does. I’m getting pissed off just talking about it. Tailgating for country concerts is awesome, but the music is almost unbearable. It’s the same thing over and over and over. I’m over it.
8. The Southern Swoop
I don’t even know how to begin to explain this. It’s an atrocity that must be witnessed to be fully understood. It’s the ultimate anti-flow. How dudes pick up girls with the swoop is beyond me but Jesus H. Christ it’s a horrible thing to witness.
9. Southern Girls’ Families
There’s little on this earth that is as scary as meeting a Southern girl’s family. Up North you have to worry about the dad beating the shit out of you, but with a sense of humor and a knowledge of the local sports team you should be fine. In the South it’s a different ball game. You have to be perfect with immaculate parent-game. These parents want nothing but the absolute best for their daughter and they’re not afraid to call you out on ANYTHING you do wrong. Here’s some help for meeting a Southern family: Do not swear. Be polite every step of the day. Bring your manners, which you probably don’t have. Know everything there is to know about Republican politics. Have your life plan outlined, laminated, and bound. Have your career goals set out with at least 20% of it on the way to being accomplished. Most of all, DON’T GO MEET YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S SOUTHERN FAMILY, b*tch.
10. Public Education
The only thing worse than the overall public education in the South is the tap water in Mexico and possibly the car insurance in Kenya. At the universities there are good and in some cases great programs here and there, but if you’re looking for a quality public university education, I recommend going North.
11. Public Transportation
If you live in a city like Boston, Philly, New York or any large Northern city or its suburbs then you know how awesome taking the train or subway is. Public transportation is the perfect DD. Down South there are literally no subways and very few commuter train lines. I go to college in the capital of South Carolina and the only public transportation is shady-ass busses that nobody uses and
taxis that overcharge like a hooker at COMICON. If you rely on the subway to get you home after a night of binge drinking then think long and hard about school in the South.
12. Sweet Tea
Alas we meet again. Who the hell likes sweet tea? Honestly. If you want to drink something that will give you three cavities, a stomachache, and rape your unborn daughter at the same time then sweet tea is the drink for you. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal in 38 states. You know who hates sweet tea? The most interesting man in the world. He prefers Dos Equis.
13. No Seasons
None. At all. The seasons of the south are Hot, Slightly Less Hot, Rain, Hot Again. That’s it. At the risk of sounding gay I’m gonna say that there’s nothing in nature that’s better looking than New England in the fall. All the leaves changing colors and shit is magical. But in the South the trees have green leaves all year round. It’s a damn shame. Practically un-American.
14. No One Leaves
I must know about 40 people who have never left South Carolina. The worst part is that they are proud of it. Like, what? Ever heard of a vacation, Bro? It’s called a roadtrip: get some friends, get some booze, and get a life… and then get the f*ck out of South Carolina.
HOLY SHIT! I don’t care who this offends but not a single Southerner knows how to drive. At all. If the speed limit is 65, I expect 80-85 at the minimum. Nope, not in the South. Were talking 60-65 here, folks. What is this, the breakdown lane? Holy christ. Not to mention nobody in the history of ever in the South has banged a Roger at a red. So annoying. Oh, forget about blasting through the light the second it turns green. Not in the south. Down South you have to look both ways then wait 10 seconds to make absolute sure no one is coming, and then you can go. I’m going to cut you some slack though, South. You’re not alone. The only drivers in this country that know what they’re doing is those from the North East. Yellow light means five more cars are good, when it turns red you straight just book it. Blinkers just give away your plan to the enemy. Speed limits are mere suggestions. These rules might explain why I have a history of traffic tickets…
16. The worst kind of Southern Frat Boys
I’m sure you have all seen “Animal House.” If so, you know exactly what kind of dick bags I’m talking about. I know it’s sick to be rich and awesome to have a trust fund but this type of frat douche takes it to a whole new level. Here are the rules to joining their frat: The swoop is the only acceptable hair style. Casual dress must include Croakies, Costa del Mars, shorts that only make it half way down the thigh, fishing shirt. Only other acceptable form of attire is something with a Confederate flag on it, a blazer, long dress pants, a suit or sweater vests. Must go to the gym and only do two exercises: the bench and curls. Must wait for marriage. Must hate all people not born below the Mason-Dixon. Must have a family net worth of over $4 million.
17. Blue Laws
What is this 1930? Seriously, no liquor on Sunday? Do I really need to use my brain and buy liquor for Sunday on Saturday? What kind of Commie law is that? How am I supposed to take shots for every time the Pats score if I can’t hit the packie before the game? Rookie mistake South, rookie mistake. To make matters even worse, the bars all close at 2 a.m. Sunday morning. Erroneous! Erroneous on all accounts! Add to that the fact that liquor stores close at 7 p.m. every day and you got yourself a shit-fest. The only positive that comes out of this buffoonery is that I’m not the only one pounding shots before my 8 a.m. English class.